Where I Wished Not To Go
by JailQueen
Summary: This is a continuation of Encounter. Can possibly be read as an independant piece. Rush and Young discover there might be more than hate and anger between them. Sometimes what you need is the last thing you'd ever expect to want.
1. Half-Forgotten Things

**This is a continuation of Encounter but can possibly be read as an independent piece. I'm not sure if the story would make all that much sense but you could always give it a try. It goes a bit OCC but then again it is a fantasy and can go any which way I want.**

**This is slash and HARD M and deals with the after effects of rape. There will be blood and sex, so be warned! It might also get quite cute now and again.**

**I do not own Stargate Universe or the lovely poems I pillaged from books and the internet. I found TheFryersmuck on YouTube. He/she has been writing the most wonderful little stories and poems in comment section of Mumford and Sons videos.**

**Where I Wished Not To Go**

Chapter I: Half-Forgotten Things

_You saw my footprints when it failed to snow,_

_Paths, they took me where I wished not to go,_

_Made by man and shaped in haste,_

_Seems like the effort has been a waste?_

-TheFryersmuck

Young awoke to find Eli's grinning face staring at him through the stasis pod door. _So he survived, good for him and good for us_. The door opened and he made his way out a bit less gracefully than he would had liked and looked around. None of the other crewmembers were out and about yet and he turned to look at Eli who was still grinning like a fool. Young couldn't help but grin back.

"Glad made it, Eli. I see you managed to fix the last stasis pod."

"Yeah, like five minutes after you all went to sleep. I mean, I was standing on the observation deck, thinking about my impending doom, when the solution just came to me. And boy, that was one stupid solution."

"What?"

"To put it in layman's terms: the equivalence of remembering to put the plug in. One of the conduits had fallen out behind the pod and was lying, rather smugly I might add, on the floor behind it! Fallen out!"

While he spoke Eli went around to a console and began pressing buttons. Soon there was a hissing sound as the rest of the crew was defrosted and the doors slid open. "No alien interventions or explosions or even Rush trying to get back at me for some perceived insult or whatnot, just a damn conduit that had probably got knocked out during one of the many times I accidentally hit the damn thing when I was trying to get Brody out three years ago."

Eli took several a deep breaths and Young took the opportunity to inject, "So we were asleep for three years? And complications I should know about?"

"No, nothing yet. But if history serves us right than then shit should hit the fan within a few hours. So there's always that to look forward to. Hi, Rush! Nice nap?"

Said scientist stepped lithely out of his pod with catlike grace. Young often found himself staring at Rush's angular features and into the depths of his almost black eyes. His eyes could convey every emotion with such precision and intensity that Young often had to force himself not to look away. He had seen Rush sad once and the look in his eyes nearly broken his heart. If Rush only had been less than five percent of the asshole he was, then Young would have been on him like a fly.

Rush walked by Young giving him a curt nod. Young in turn had to stop himself from cringing at the insane though that sprung into his mind. The idea that Rush could read minds often slipped into his head whenever Rush predicted what was going to happen or what someone was about to say. The thought was of course absurd but it still sometimes terrified him.

Rush moved to stand behind the console and Eli stepped aside with raised eyebrows, shooting a questioning look at Young who shrugged. Rush rubbed his neck and bent over the console and began going over the data from the past three years. Young once again found himself staring at Rush's face, now in profile. Young had at some point been forced to admit to himself that he really liked the shape of Rush's nose. He was ripped from his musings when Eli began waving his arms wildly in front of Rush.

"So, I'm alive! Feel no need to congratulate me or anything."

Rush looked up at Eli as if seeing him for the first time and frowned. He pulled up his notebook from the hidden pocket on the inside of his vest and began flipping through it.

"You're alive; shouldn't that be enough of a reward?" Rush looked back at the console before turning towards Young who felt a surge of annoyance in his chest. "Our power levels are dangerously low. Less than five percent capacity. I'm going to the bridge to direct Destiny towards the nearest star." Rush stared at Young awaiting his reply and a frown befell his brow when Young took just a little too long to answer.

"Yeah, you go do that."

Rush was still staring at him as if he knew something and was eyeing him suspiciously. Young might have imagined it but he thought he saw something dark and almost fearful pass over Rush's features. For one insane moment Young thought about reaching out to grab his shoulder and pulling him close just to see if it had really been there. But he didn't since he knew how much Rush hated to be touched. He had recently begun to wonder why that was. Rush finally shook his head slightly and turned to walk away towards the bridge while stuffing the notebook back inside his pocket.

Rush suddenly stopped and turned almost making Young jump, but he was facing Eli, clenching and unclenching his hands, apparently trying to decide something. A small smile crept across his lips and he unfurled his hands.

"Congratulations, Eli."

Eli smiled in return, obviously surprised, but before he could respond Rush had left. The rare smile Rush had given Eli still replaying in Young's head, he realised that the butterflies doing summersaults in his stomach probably didn't have anything to do with his dislike for the man but quite the opposite. When the hell had that happen? When had he gone from hating the man to this? When did he go from thinking Rush was pretty to thinking about how much he really liked the warmth in his eyes when he smiled. _Pretty?_

Young sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Around him people were stumbling out of their pods looking relieved and worried at the same time. Park was being hugged by Greer with Volker watching them jealously until Greet pulled him into a one-armed hug. Volker grinned when Greer kissed him on the head and Park on his cheek. Scott and Chloe were also hugging and so were Varro and TJ. Camile was walking around smiling and shaking hands with everyone. Eli was chatting excitedly with Brody and Volker, who had managed to pull away from Greer. Young felt lonelier than he'd had for quite a while.

They dropped out of FTL and Young's radio crackled. He unhooked it and brought it to his mouth when he heard Rush's impatient voice.

"Colonel, this is Rush, we are now in range of a star and we'll pass through it in thirty seconds."

"Thirty seconds? A bit more of a warning would be nice Rush." Young sighed, annoyance lacing his voice.

Rush's voice turned from irritation to otiose anger. "What do you call this? Rush out."

"Rush!" Young knew he was speaking to deaf ears for Rush had already turned his radio off. Young cursed and wondered what had crawled up Rush's ass. The ship shook in the turbulence as they entered the star.

"People listed up!" Young called out, getting everyone's attention. "We have reached the other galaxy and we have been in stasis for three years and so far there have been no obvious complications. We are now entering a star and we should be out on the other side in a few minutes. You all know the drill by now I hope."

Several people nodded and Young continued. "I suggest you return to your quarters until the science team has been able to asses any potential damage to the ship. Volker, Brody get to the core room and check on our situation. Eli get to the bridge and help Rush whether he wants you to or not, and Becker you go look into our food supply. Scott gather a team and check out the populated areas of the ship for any new hull breaches or other damage, but be careful. Camile and I will check in with Homeworld once all reports are in. That's all people."

People were nodding and untangling themselves from hugs and embraces and began to scatter to the four winds. Camile walked up to Young and leaned on the pod next to him with a smile tugging on her lips once everyone had gone.

"So, we made it. I wonder what happened on earth while we were sleeping." Her smile faltered a bit and she began studying her shoes instead of looking at him. Three years was a long time to be away from someone you love and Young knew she feared what Shannon would say when they met again. Around them was silence except for the metallic hum of Destiny and the slight shivering of a loose conduit hanging from a hole in the opposite wall. "Do you think she waited for me or decided to find someone else like I told her to?"

Young felt useless and out of place as he rested a hand on her shoulder and attempted an encouraging smile. He had never been good at comforting people or at giving advice. He remembered when Carmen died and he couldn't even look at TJ. Not because he blamed her, or anything like that, but because he couldn't stand the reminder of what could have been. He couldn't help her any more than he could himself.

"I don't know Camile, as you said three years is a long time, but you'll find out in a little while."

"I'm not sure I want to." A sad smile lingered on her lips when she squeezed his hand before shrugging it off. "I'll see you in the stone-room later then?"

"Yeah, later." Young bowed his head and stuffed his hands into his pockets, sighing as he watched her walk away. The turbulence faded as they exited the star and around them space once again became black.

Young stood staring at the floor, waiting for his radio to sound again. His eyes fell on a pencil stub lying next to the console Rush had been working on earlier. Young frowned and walked over and picked it up. He rolled in between his fingers and noticed it was slightly chewed at the end. In his mind he imagined Rush sitting bent over a console in the core room flipping through his never ending notebook and chewing absently on the pencil. His eyes focused and his brow in a perpetual scowl.

Young knew exactly when his feelings for Rush had changed. He could remember standing in the Gateroom waiting for his soldiers and Rush to return from the desert planet. He had stood shifting from one foot to the other, trying to keep his anger from getting the best of him. Rush had lied to him about the bridge and that was something he could almost forgive, but the thought of him killing Simeon, the only one who could stop the attack on earth made him regret his charity. Maybe he should have killed him on that seed ship and taken the blow that would have followed from the rest of the crew.

Then he looked back at the week following him marooning Rush on the planet and how everything fell apart. Young knew that he was the leader, but he also knew that without Rush nothing would ever get done. Rush was the fall guy and without him nobody would ever dare to do anything in fear of getting blamed for a less than desirable outcome and Rush didn't care what anyone thought of him. Young was often a little jealous of Rush's ability to just not give a damn. Standing before the gate as the event horizon flushed out and puddled he was washed over with so many conflicting emotions ranging from anger, guilt, worry and finally settling back to anger. Through the blinding water-like surface of the wormhole walked Scott and James closely followed by Rush who was looking down at the floor.

Young sighed, instinctively knowing that Simeon could only be dead. Anger flared in him again like icy fire and he began moving towards the source of his wrath. But then Rush's eyes found his and the look he gave him almost took his breath away. Those eyes that were always looking at him with disrespect, anger or even hatred were now filled with the most blatant misery. Young had never seen, and hoped he'd never would again, such brokenness and sadness in another person's eyes.

Scott had grabbed Young's shoulder and whispered, "Go easy on him, sir. He's had a rough day."

As soon they broke eye contact Rush looked away and Young pulled his arm out of Scott's grip and placed a gentle hand on Rush's shoulder. The moment he did Rush flinched and pulled away, his eyes suddenly flashing with a hint of panic amidst all the misery. Young stepped back frowning, not sure what to make of that reaction.

"I'm sorry, Rush." Young's voice hitched as he tried to channel through those few words how sorry he was for Perry, for leaving Rush on that planet and also for the inexplicable fear in Rush's dark eyes when he'd touched him. Young felt that he never wanted to see that fear ever again directed at him ever again.

Rush nodded and walked away towards the bowels of the ship, probably to find something to chase away his grief. Work or booze, either would work, at least for a time. Young watched him go, his shoulders slouched and tense like he was trying not to cry and Young felt something he'd never thought he'd feel for the Rush: fondness.

**To be continued**


	2. To See Ourselves

**Where I Wished Not To Go**

Chapter II: To See Ourselves

_Some may have blamed you that you took away_

_The verses that they cared for on the day_

_When, the ears being deafened, the sight of eyes blind_

_With lightening, you went from me, and I could find_

_Nothing to make a song about but kings,_

_Helmets, and swords, and other half-forgotten things._

-William Butler Yeats

Rush opened his eyes when the door to the stasis pod slid open. The smell of Destiny washed over him and it smelled like home. He could hear Young and Eli talking outside. _So he survived, good on him_. Rush heard Eli tell Young that they'd been frozen for three years and he decided he had remained in the pod for long enough. He stepped easily out of the pod and nodded at Young who was looking at him rather strangely and moved over to the console were Eli was standing. Eli stepped out of the way and Rush began gathering data from the past three years and quickly noticed that they were at dangerously low power levels. His neck felt stiff and he rubbed it even though he knew it never helped.

Chills went up his spine when he felt Young's eyes on him again. He didn't have to look up to know the man was positively staring at him. Was he in trouble? Already? He wouldn't put it passed Young to make something up just so that he could yell at him. Rush frowned when he realised the eyes upon him weren't angry, but curious and almost…wanting. Rush shut his eyes momentarily, wishing for the man to just go away and take his desires with him. He could deal with anger, hatred and disgust directed at him and even find it amusing, but Young's looks of desire sent waves of fear raging through him. Young had started acting differently around him shortly after he lost Mandy. He was snapped out of reprieve when he noticed Eli waving his arms in front of him and talking. Always talking.

"So, I'm alive! Feel no need to congratulate me or anything."

_What? Oh, that_. Rush wondered if Eli was ever going to grow up and focus on thing more important than for example celebrating something that wouldn't change no matter if he or anyone else did or did not congratulate him, when there were obviously more important things going on like all of them living another day. Rush pulled his notebook out of his pocket and flipped through it, compering numbers and equations to those racing through his mind.

"You're alive; shouldn't that be enough of a reward?" Rush looked back at the console checking the numbers once again. Rush turned back towards Young who looked annoyed with him. Rush ignored it and quickly explained about their power levels and made to move towards the bridge, waiting impatiently for Young's much needed say-so. To go up against Young these days about even the small things was too much of a hassle and he just wanted to get on with his work. Young was however still just staring at him and Rush had to supress the urge to slap him.

"Yeah, you go do that."

Young sounded breathless and those treacherous chills were once again running up and down Rush's spine. The look in Young's eyes was the same as one he'd seen before on another's face. Eyes looking at him through a doorway on Icarus and he hated himself for compering Young to …Him. Young was a bastard and a poor leader with next to no impulse control, but he wasn't cruel or greedy like He was. Rush still didn't know how much had been mind control and how much had been the man himself, not that he really cared to find out. The answer wouldn't change a thing; it would still have happened and Rush would still have hated him.

Rush shook his head, trying to shake the intrusive thoughts off and began walking away. But when he remembered the hurt look on Eli's face he reluctantly turned and faced the pair again. Rush had never been good at expressing gratitude, forgiveness or love. He stood for a moment deciding what to say but finally landed on a simple, "Congratulations, Eli," and giving him a smile that he was surprised to find was actually genuine.

_Congratulations for finding a way to save yourself and not having to commit suicide_. Eli beamed at him and Rush quickly turned before Eli could say something back at him. Whether appreciative or not he didn't want to hear it. Also Young was still staring at him and he didn't want to face the consequences of what would happen if he'd tried to strangle him.

xvxxvxxvx

Though Rush hadn't experienced those three years in stasis it still felt like he hadn't seen the ship for years. As he walked through the corridors he dragged his fingers along the walls and rejoiced over the feeling of cold metal and its imperfections. He knew he should hurry but he really wanted to enjoy the silence and the peace on the ship before the crew spilled out into the halls looking for wherever they belonged and should be.

He reached the bridge and palmed the door panel letting himself in. The room looked very much the same as it had three years ago, even the blaring alarms were the same. Rush sighed and made his way to his usual console and typed in the coordinates for the nearest appropriate star, which turned out to only be a few minutes away. The stars light blasted through the window and Rush covered his eyes, the warmth of its rays seeping into his perpetually frozen body.

Rush couldn't remember feeling truly warm since before Gloria fell ill. It was like a constant shadow hanging over him and he hated the chill it produced, though he suspected he was the only one to blame for it. He knew the coldness came from inside him and feared it might even be a part of him by now. He also knew that the only way to get out from under the shade was to find someone willing to warm him. He had been very close to Mandy but even with her the coldness remained and he hated himself for it. He had loved Mandy, still did to some degree, but even her gentle touch had made him uncomfortable. He wondered if he'd ever get over what happened. The memories of the event were stronger than ever and almost felt like a second skin clinging to his mind.

Another sigh escaped him when the console told him that they were about to enter the star. He grabbed the radio and told Young they'd reach the star in approximately thirty seconds. Young scowled at him and Rush snapped back before turning the radio off. As he did he heard Young calling his name but he decided to ignore it. If it was important Young would call back. Rush stared absentmindedly at the radio for a while, half-hoping that he would call back but the silence remained unbroken until the door opened a few minutes later and Eli walked in.

Eli leaned over the railing and Rush decided to put his energy into looking busy, which he actually was, and hopefully dismay Eli from talking to him. He had no such luck though.

"So…" Eli stretched the word out longer than necessarily and compensated by continuing the rest sentence at a faster pace. "Col. Young sent me down here to see if you needed any help. Or if you just needed someone to glare at."

Rush turned towards him and did just that, hoping that Eli would get the jest and disappear. Eli was however not swayed and instead of leaving skipped down the stairs and sat down next Rush.

"Don't you want to know how I survived?"

"I heard you talking to the colonel before, so I'm well aware of how it came about." While he spoke he pulled out his notepad and suppressed a sigh when he realised he had lost his pencil at some point. There wasn't exactly an overflow of pencils on Destiny so he would have to go looking for it. He hoped no-one had nicked it already. Pencils, along with underwear and tissues, were hard currency aboard Destiny and traded like cigarettes in jail. If you wanted to keep your things you'd better hide them away or hold on to them tight. Young had stopped the thieving to some extent. One of the few things he had been successful at since coming aboard Destiny.

Eli was speaking again and Rush decided to ignore him and began studying the console, looking for anything amiss. They were almost at ninety percent power and there were no signs of either the drones or the Nakai. Rush took a deep breath as relief flooded him and went on to check the damage reports when a hand suddenly grabbed his right arm and in a surge of panic he shot out of the chair.

"Don't fucking touch me!" He all but shouted at Eli who raised his hands in a nonthreatening gesture. Rush looked away and rubbed his arm almost violently, trying to remove the lingering feeling of the intrusive touch.

"Rush, are you okay man?"

Rush looked back at Eli and cursed his own involuntary reaction. Eli's eyes showed concern and worry and soon the unease in Rush's heart turned to shame and annoyance and he moved to sit back down. Eli smiled hesitantly at him. Rush dragged his hand across his face, feeling tired beyond his years and honestly quite stupid. He let his hands drop and placed his elbow on the edge of the console and rested his chin on his hand.

"Yeah, I'm fine Eli. Nothing to worry about." He tried and failed to force a smile and he silently cursed Eli for looking at him with pity. "Just don't…"

"Yeah, no worries. I'll keep my hands to myself."

Rush turned away not trusting himself not to blush from his predicament. He hated when people saw that side of him. He hated when he let himself see that side of him. No matter how hard he tried to hide the shameful memories they just kept creeping back up on him. Especially now that Young was acting so strange and looking at him the way he did. Rush refused to care what other people thought of him but he just couldn't help but fear what they might say if they found out. Shame washed over him like a night-lit ocean and all he wanted to do was run away from Eli's kind eyes and general niceness. But instead he remained where he was and buried himself in work. One of them had to be the adult, and he would be damned if he'd let it be Eli.

Eli was still sneaking glances at him, obviously wondering if he'd lost his mind. "So… Me and Brody and Becker and some other people have put together a little party for tonight in the mess."

Rush raised an eyebrow but kept his eyes on his work. "You don't say."

"It's nothing big, just a little oh-my-God-we're-still-alive-and-amazingly-exactly-were-we-are-supposed-to-be party. Becker is digging out some none-mouldy food out of the cupboards and Brody is donating a shitload of booze for us to consume. Airman Dunning is even fixing the toilet nearest the mess in case of involuntary alcohol induced puking or bowel movements. You know how Brody's hooch sometimes turns out when he's busy and of late he has been rather…"

"Eli, would you please shut up before we have a puking related incident right here." Rush was feeling slightly ill and Eli's voice was giving him a headache that he was surprised he didn't already have.

"So, you gonna come?" Eli was looking like a hopeful puppy and Rush couldn't for the life of him understand why he'd want him there. An even stronger need to be alone grasped him and he sighed for what felt like the fiftieth time that day.

"Eli, go away."

"Is that a maybe?"

"Maybe."

"Good. See you tonight!"

Eli sounded genuinely happy and it only made Rush more confused. He watched the young man leave, half-wishing he'd come back so he wouldn't have to be alone with his thoughts. _What the hell's wrong with you, Nick? You don't need them. _Rush pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes as he rested his elbows against the console. He let his hair fall down over and hide his hands and face and cursed his own inability to help himself. He hated needing others. Depending or trusting another only led to pain and betrayal, and he didn't think he could handle being anymore broken than he already was.

**To be continued**


	3. Footprints

**Where I Wished Not To Go**

Chapter III: Footprints

_The beaten fighter backed away unable to take anymore blows, _

_This path his father pushed him down gave him a bloody nose, _

_Head held in shame he left the ring defeated by his foes, _

_The thorns receive no accolades or praise because they aren't the rose._

-TheFryersmuck

Young had retreated to his quarters after the meeting with Homeworld Command and was sitting behind his desk feeling lost. Apparently there was a new president and his favourite team was out of the league. He had met with General O'Neill and had been greeted warmly. They had spoken for over an hour, or more accurately O'Neill had spoken and Young had listened, since after giving his report about Destiny he really had nothing more to say.

Camile had left right after arriving, dragged away by the IOA but had quickly talked her way out of a long meeting to go see Shannon. When they met up back in the stone-room she had been very quiet and her eyes were red. Young assumed that Shannon had indeed followed her advice and moved on, but he didn't ask; only told her if she needed to talk he was always there. He only said so to make her feel at least a tiny bit better and because he knew she was never going talk to him about it. She would go to TJ like everybody else.

When someone knocked on the door he looked up, secretly hoping it wasn't Camile. "Enter."

It turned out to be a very happy looking Eli giving of mischievous vibes. He leaned against the doorframe with a smile. "Colonel!"

Young couldn't help but smile at his exuberance, "What is it Eli?"

"Oh, nothing," Eli couldn't stop smiling. "I just think this is relatively speaking a very good day."

"You heard from your mother?"

"Yeah, she's alright. Misses me like crazy according to Camile, but otherwise a lot, lot better than she was three years ago. Apparently medicine has made some progress while we've been away. No cure yet but I'm crossing my fingers." Eli did just that in the air in front of him and soon got something shifty in his eyes.

"Eli, what aren't you telling me?" Young asked, shuffling his feet under the table a bit impatiently.

"Don't be mad but I've set up a bit of a party for tonight in celebration of not being, you know, dead."

"I'm not mad." Young said while he walked around the desk and proceeded to leaning against it. "In fact I think it's a damn good idea which I happen to already know about, I'll have you know."

Eli looked a bit disappointed. "How? Who told you?"

"Brody let it slip."

"Traitor."

Young chuckled. It was strange feeling like they weren't going to be attacked any moment. With the droids a whole galaxy away he felt more at ease than he had for years.

"I invited Rush." Eli said suddenly and Young looked up.

"Well, it's your party, Eli; you can invite whoever you like."

"I know that, it's just that he's been acting really weird lately. You know weirder the usual, and I wanted to make sure that nothing was going on between you two."

Young frowned and refrained from answering the question, "Weird how?"

"Earlier today on the bridge I grabbed his arm to get his attention, 'cause he was ignoring me for a change, and he just freaked out."

"Freaked out how?" Young asked impatiently.

"He just shot up out of the chair and yelled at me not to touch him. He looked really freaked, almost scared, so I wanted to do something nice so I invited him to the party."

"Rush doesn't like being touched."

"I noticed!" Eli rolled his eyes and pushed of the doorframe. "I'll see you at the party then?"

"Yeah, sure."

Young leaned against the desk when Eli left and the door shut. He pulled out Rush's pencil from his pocket and began twirling it between his fingers like before. He intended to return it eventually. He pressed it to his lips and felt the tooth marks and indentations and closed his eyes in thought. He thought back on the few times he had touched Rush and realised those times could be counted on one hand. He had ruffled his hair once after he'd saved Scott and the other people on the shuttle. Rush had flinched and pulled away. Young remembered his hair was soft and a bit sweaty from the heat of the sun.

Young opened his eyes when he came to the conclusion that the only other times he had touched him was when he was kicking his ass. Young promised himself and Rush to never do that again no matter how angry he got. He would be a better person. For his own sake more than Rush's.

xzxxzxxzx

Evening came, indicated by the slightly dimmer lighting in the corridors, and music pounded out of the IPod stand in the mess. A mix of modern dance music and sixties rock. Young was a bit late due to a surprising amount of paperwork which had cropped up out of the proverbial woodworks. Young had however started the party a bit early in his quarters and was feeling a bit tipsy when he got to the mess, but his embarrassment quickly faded when he saw Volker and Brody slumped down by the far wall singing the wrong lines to the song playing and with a completely different tune.

Rush was sitting by a table cradling a half-empty cup with Eli, Chloe and Scott, looking distinctly like he'd rather be with the blue aliens. Rush's eyes were a bit unfocused and Young wondered how much he'd had to drink.

Young accepted a drink from Cpl Barnes who had taken over booze control after Brody had become…inconvenienced. She told him with a smile that having Dunning fix the toilet had been a very good idea indeed. Young grinned and made his way over to the table, passing TJ and Varro who were dancing closely together. Young felt a surge of jealously as he watched them, more directed at the closeness they shared then at Varro being with TJ. He sat down next to Eli, facing Rush who was now resting his head in his hands.

"How much has he had?" Young asked while sipping on his disturbingly nasty drink. He suspected Brody had mixed some banana flavouring into the mix to give it a bit of a lift. The result was quite vile.

"About six glasses I think." Chloe answered waving Rush's now empty cup in front of Young. Rush grumbled something indiscernible and Chloe grinned. "He says seven."

"How can you possibly understand what he says?" Scott asked, his words slurring, looking around Chloe at Rush who proceeded to give him the finger, making Eli choke on his drink.

"Seven glasses? Of this crap?" Young said while making a disgusted face as he downed the remainder of his drink. As soon as he did Scott poured him a new one from a bottle on the table.

"I quite like it." Chloe said. "And so apparently does Rush."

Another angry mutter could be heard from Rush and Young could make out the words "fuck" and "shite". Chloe grinned and whispered something in Rush's ear which made him sit up straight and glare at her. He looked a bit more awake but still very drunk and soon he rested his chin on the palm of his hand and shut his eyes. His voice slurred as he muttered, "Scott, A think yer girlfriend's flirtin' with m'."

Scott snorted and buried his head in his arms laughing while Chloe hurriedly moved the bottle away. Rush reached out a surprisingly steady hand and grabbed the bottle from her and slowly unscrewed the cap.

"Are you sure you should have any more of that?" Eli asked, but Rush ignored him in favour of pouring some of the clear liquid into his cup, only spilling a little. While recapping it he gazed at Eli, his eyes unfocused but determined. He had some trouble getting the words out when he spoke. "A'm Scottish. Tha's a focking stupid…ques…tion."

Scott who had final stopped laughing fell into the throes of another giggle fit and Chloe threw an arm around him, muttering something in his ear. Rush gazed at them with one eye while downing his, apparently, eight glass of Brody's ninety-nine percent proof liquor and Young began to wander how he was even still alive. Nevertheless he followed Rush's example and finished his glass and poured himself another one, earning himself a crooked smile from Rush.

It was altogether a very pleasant evening. Chloe and Eli did most of the talking and Scott would have the occasional giggle fit whenever Rush opened his mouth regardless of whether he said anything funny or not. Young and Scott eventually came upon a discussion about football and Chloe and Eli began discussing movies when Rush suddenly rose on unsteady feet and announced that he was going to bed. Young looked at his watch only to give up after a fourth attempt and still failing to see the evading little digits.

Rush began moving towards the exit, leaning on everything he could find from tables and the walls to a sleeping Varro. Chloe offered to walk him to his quarters but he waved her off, muttering something probably containing quite many profanities judging by Scott's fifty-second giggle fit. Eli shouted "goodnight" unnecessarily loud making the dozing residents of the mess grumble and hush at him. As Young watched Rush stumble out of the mess he decided this was the perfect time to make his move. Move to do what exactly he wasn't really sure of, only that it was a right time. It took him a few attempts to get up from the table but once he did he was surprised to fine how stable his footing was.

He caught up to Rush outside his quarters and the latter gave him a bemused look before palming the door release and stepping inside. He left Young standing in the doorway while he walked over to the desk and threw down his notebook. Rush stood still for a moment in thought before he removed his vest and t-shirts. Young gaped at the sight of the perfectly smooth skin on his back. Rush looked over his shoulder at Young and dropped the clothes on the floor. Young wasn't sure if he'd ever seen anything quite as beautiful as the man standing with his back to him in the cold blue glow of the FTL light.

Young stepped up to Rush, half expecting him to fade away into a dream, and wrapped his arms around his waist, his skin was smooth and firm under his hands. Young felt Rush's stomach muscles contract when he stiffened momentarily before turning around in his arms, a frown and confused look on his face. Young moved his hands Rush's sides and he could feel his ribs under the remarkably soft skin.

Rush looked up at him, his eyes suddenly determined and he leaned closer, his lips nearly brushing Young's. A breath ghosted over his lips and Young closed the distance between them and captured Rush's lips in a hungry kiss. His lips were soft and tasted of the banana liquor and of Rush. The kiss was deep and honest and contained so much wanting and need that chills went up Young's spine. Rush brought his hand up and rested it on Young's cheek, his nails digging into his skin. He was shivering slightly and deepened the kiss further like he was afraid Young would disappear. Young smiled and pushed Rush down on the bed before lowering himself on top of him and reclaiming his mouth. Rush shut his eyes and moaned and Young continued to kiss and suck on his neck, relishing in the way he tasted. He slid his hand over Rush's chest and felt the lithe muscles contracting under his skin.

Young kissed his way down Rush's chest and Rush carded his fingers through his hair, moaning silently. Young was harder than he could ever remember being, either a side-effect of Brody's hooch or all Rush pressing up against him. Young moved against Rush, relishing in the friction. He brought his hands down further and unbuckled Rush's belt and pulled his jeans of in one swift motion before coming back up and recapturing Rush's sweet mouth. Rush seemed hesitant and his eyes betrayed a hint of unease. Young wondered at this and kissed him again. Rush responded to the kiss but the concerned look in his eyes remained.

"You okay?"

Rush nodded and kissed him tentatively. Young let his hand travel further south and reverently stroked the inside of his thigh. His caress was soft and Rush trembled slightly and Young moved his hand further down wanting more. Suddenly Rush flinched and turned very still. Young placed another, this time very gentle, kiss on his lips but Rush turned his head away while closing his eyes, shivering like a wet dog.

"Rush, what's wrong?"

Young gently grabbed Rush's chin trying to get him to look at him but failed as Rush only shut his eyes harder. Young was shocked when he saw that Rush was trying his best not to cry. One of Rush's hands started pushing against his chest and Young slowly began backing away. Rush whispered something and opened his eyes, still looking away.

"Rush, tell me what's wrong." Young's question came out almost angrily, which he did not intend. Rush turned his head and stared at him, eyes filled with fear and regret. "Get off." Rush's voice was nothing more than a hoarse whisper and barely carried the distance between them, but Young could still hear the fear beneath it.

"Rush, please tell…" Young begged but Rush squeezed his eyes shut and a treacherous tear run down his cheek.

"Rush…"

"GET OFF!" Rush screamed and shoved Young hard enough to send him to the floor. Young clambered to his feet, the world swaying around him but also painfully clear. He stared at Rush not knowing what to say or do as the other man pulled himself into a sitting position and started rocking back and forth on the bed, his knees brought up under his chin and shoulders shaking. Rush was crying but trying his best to hide it and Young didn't know what to do.

"Shit Rush… I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you."

Rush didn't respond and only started to cry harder, sobs racking through his thin frame. When Young edged closer to the bed Rush flinched and turned his face away. Young had never felt so helpless.

"Rush. Shit, tell me what to do. What do you want me to do?"

Rush turned towards him finally, his face streaked with tears and his eyes brimming with anger and shame. His voice shook when he snarled, "Get out."

Young nodded and walked around the bed as far away from Rush as possibly, afraid he might upset him further by his presence. Young paused at the door which they'd left open and looked him but Rush once again refused acknowledge him. "Rush, are you okay?" Young watched him for a while and just when he made to walk away Rush nodded.

"Yeah." His voice was so small and weak Young thought for sure his heart would break at the sound of it.

"Do you want me to get TJ or something?" Young knew he'd say no but he still wanted to do something, anything, to help him.

"Go away, Young." His voice was still terrifyingly small and Young considered ignoring Rush's request and just go over there and just hug him, but decided against it.

"Okay, but I'm radioing you the first thing tomorrow to see if you're okay." Young looked at him for a while, feeling Rush's sadness seep into him. He looked so terribly small and innocent sitting there curled up on the bed that Young felt like it was no longer Rush he has talking to but a frightened child. "I'm sorry, Rush"

Rush didn't answer; just let his head drop back down to his knees. Young watched his sad frame for another moment before leaving and shutting the door behind him. He could hear Rush crying through the door and decided to grab another bottle of Brody's hooch and attempt to forget the day ever happened.

**To be continued**


	4. This Path

**Where I Wished Not To Go**

Chapter IV: This Path

_Nothing is written. _

_There are no tracks to guide us._

_No signs pointing us in the right direction._

_Every journey begins and ends, _

_With us finding or losing a little bit more._

-TheFryersmuck

The moment Rush heard the door close and the floodgates broke. When he finally ran out of tears it felt like he'd been crying for hours. He sat huddled on the bed rocking back and forth like a child, and he felt very much like a child at that time. He didn't know what got over him. One moment he was enjoying throwing every doubt and self-conscious thought out the window and just relishing in the warmth and need offered to him by Young and the next… He had really liked what was happening until all those blasted memories sneaked up on him again and the pleasure turned into pain.

Maybe all that booze hadn't been such a good idea. _It went so well the last time_, he reflected and new tears welled into his eyes. Why did he choose Young of all people to 'fix' him? He really just wanted to feel what he had felt all those years ago before the event, to be near someone without the fear of getting hurt or shamed. To be with someone who wanted him. Young wanted him though Rush had no idea why. All he knew was that it scared him and that he wanted it anyway.

Rush was freezing, sitting naked on the bed and shivering from the residing adrenalin rush but too exhausted to even pull the covers over himself. His head was aching and it seemed his impending hangover had decided to skip a few hours.

A soft knock sounded on the door making him start and stare at it accusingly, not in the mood even to yell at whomever it was to go away. He decided that if it was Young he would ignore him and if it was Eli he would murder him. The last thing he needed now was the insistent prattling of that stupid genius. The knocking continued and he shut his eyes and wrapped his arms around his head. He was nauseous, tired and still suffering the aftershocks of being terrified.

"Doctor Rush, are you okay?"

It was Chloe. Rush let his arms drop and stared at the door again, wishing her to go away.

"I heard yelling and Young just stomped passed me in a hurry. I don't think he even saw me."

Rush remained silent, repeating a mantra of _go away, go away, go away_ in his head.

"Rush, if you don't tell me you're okay I'm coming in."

Rush's head shot up and a new surge of panic shot through his system. He cleared his throat before answering, but his voice still sounded hoarse and shaky when he spoke. "I'm fine Chloe. Go to bed."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Goodnight." Rush's response was clipped and the sound of it increased his headache worse than her voice had.

"Rush you don't sound alright…"

"Well that's not your fucking problem now is it?" Rush snapped. He had tried and failed not to get angry at her. He really wanted her to go away and above all not come into his room and seeing him like this. He desperately rubbed his hand over his face and sighed. "I'm sorry, Chloe. I'm just tired and I need to sleep. I'll see you tomorrow." He knew he sounded completely desolate.

When no response came he thought she had left and he felt like an asshole for yelling at her. He dropped his head back on his knees but snapped it back up again when he heard her voice.

"Okay, sleep tight."

He heard her walk away and wondered why everyone was being so nice. Pity he suspected. Or maybe they thought he might explode and try to kill them all if they didn't handle him gently. Not an unreasonable conclusion. Rush smirked to himself but stopped when it only increased his headache further and thought it time to try to sleep the rest of that horrid night away. He curled up on the bed in foetal position and pulled the covers over him. The bed was cold and he was cold. Rush was so sick of being cold.

xzxxzxxzx

Young woke up the next day with a record breaking headache and had to make the undignified run in his underwear to the nearest bathroom and puke in the shower. He ran into a very sick looking Volker in the bathroom, also only dressed in his boxers, who muttered something nonsensical when Young rushed by. Young held on to the shower walls to stop himself from slumping down on the floor. He was afraid that if he sat down he might never be able to get back up but soon concluded that it was good idea when his legs gave out and his stomach threatened to betray him again. He allowed gravity to take him where it wanted him and was soon sitting slouched up against the shower wall.

Volker was leaning against a sink and looked half-dead. He was saying something but Young's head was pounding. "What was that?" Young's voice sounded rough and speaking made his head ache even more.

"I said that Brody put the banana stuff in the hooch to discourage people from drinking too much. By the look of things it didn't work."

"Whatever gave you that idea?" Young scoffed.

Volker smirked but stopped when it seemed to cause him pain.

"Well, Brody is still asleep in the mess along with Park and James. I managed to crawl away before dawn and have been here since. I don't trust my stomach just get. Chloe came by and told me TJ had been an angel and given the guys blankets."

Young rubbed his hand over his face and pinched the bridge of his nose. He decided it was time to ask what he needed to know. The thought of it alone made his conscience feel like a massive boulder tumbling down a well.

"Have you seen Rush?" Just to hear the name spoken aloud sent shivers of guilt through him. He had hoped to drink the memories away but alas to no avail. _Why had Rush reacted like that?_ There had been such fear in his eyes and Young couldn't shut the image out no matter how hard he tried. He wasn't sure of what he'd done, but he knew enough to know that his actions had triggered something. Something must have happened to Rush in the past to make him react like that.

"Nope, haven't seen him." Volker answered while shuffling his feet like he was trying not to look too guilty. Young could tell he was lying but decided not to push it. "But according to the rumours going around he had about twenty glasses last night, so I'm guessing he's lying in his own puke somewhere."

"He had eleven. I counted." Young said while dragging himself to his feet, nausea gripping him again and he had to stop halfway up to wait for his stomach to settle.

"Eleven! Yeez, I had like three and passed out in Brody's lap." Volker turned very red and looked down at his feet, muttering, "Which is something I would appreciate if you never told anyone."

"Don't worry, they already know. Now if you'll excuse me I really need a shower."

"Sure, I'll just find another bathroom to puke in." Volker made a face and slowly began backing towards the door.

"You do that."

Volker smiled and slouched out of the bathroom, leaving Young feeling like he'd be better off back in the stasis pod as another wave of nausea racked through him. When Young finally looked into the mirror, which was shattered, and saw the fading crescent shaped marks on his skin where Rush had dug his nails into his cheek. He really needed to talk to him.

xzxxzxxzx

_Warm rough hands moved up his legs. There was a clammy feel to them and the nails that dug into his skin felt like steel. The desert was encroaching and he felt coarse sand under his fingers as he slowly moved his hands over the sheets. _

"_Maybe you shouldn't have drunk so much."_

_A stain glass window and church bells in the distance. But always the desert…and the hands. One hand around his feeble wrist, tight enough to break it, and the second hands fingers too close, too deep and too painful to be fully understood._

"_Stop moving, Nick!"_

_A heavy weight pressing down. Flesh against flesh and he had never felt so small and so weak. Hands and heat and flesh and skin all seen through a haze that never seemed to clear until it all turned to steel and needles and cold water in the darkness. Fingers and hands are joined by instruments invading his mind and the feeling of being torn apart only increases. The desert is still there, on the other side of the glass, and so is the smile on the other man's face._

"_Are you a virgin, Nick?" _

Rush woke up with a start only two hours after he had finally fallen asleep with a staggering migraine and covered in sweat. The dreams about the 'incident' and the dreams about the Nakai had begun to intermingle on regular basis, which was…disturbing. He sat up slowly but fast enough to make his head pound anew. He groaned as pain racked through his body all the way from his head to his toes. He wrapped his arms around his legs and felt he really needed a shower. He knew full way that washing away the memories was not an option but it never hurt to try.

He uncurled his aching limbs and rose on unsteady feet. His jeans lay in a heap on the floor, an unpleasant reminder of the previous night. He pulled them on with shaking hands and then looked around for his long sleeve t-shirt which had at some point ended up under the bed. Probably from when he had kicked Young out. Oh fuck, he was going to have to talk to Young. He closed his eyes and let his head drop in despair. Young would want an explanation and Rush hated explaining things, especially things like these.

Rush was surprised at how well Young had taken his rejection and was beyond grateful for his lack of reaction. Young didn't blame him but said he was sorry. Rush didn't know what to do with that since he was used to being blamed for everything that happened. Especially by Young.

He pulled the shirt on and made his way out of the room. The corridors were swaying slightly and he had to drag his hand along the wall to keep his balance. He stumbled into a bathroom and rested his head against the cold surface of the mirror. Pushing his hands against the glass and lifting his head, he looked at his reflection. What he saw filled him with anger and disgust. Staring back at him was the last thing he ever wanted to see, himself.

His long hair was matted and greying. His eyes looked defeated and were red around the edges from hours of crying. His features twisted in anger and he just wanted it to go away. The pain, the memories and his ugly fucking face. Before he knew it his hand slammed into the mirror and a startled yelp was heard from behind him. He spun around and spotted Volker sitting curled up in the corner, a look of abject horror on his pasty face. Rush had to grab the sink to stop himself from dropping to the floor in despair and shame. He let out a desolate whimper as he dropped his head to his chest. Behind him he could hear Volker moving and when he looked up he saw him standing beside him with a sheepish expression on his face, obviously still quite drunk.

"Rush, did you broke… uhm, brake the mirror?" His voice slurred and he swayed where he stood. Rush retracted his previous assessment of quite drunk and instead landed on very, very shitfaced.

"Do you need a hug?" Volker asked looking at Rush's bleeding hand.

"What?" Rush snarled, backing away towards the door.

"I think you need a hug." Before Rush could fully comprehend what was happening he had Volker's arms wrapped around him. Rush completely froze and felt like he was choking. Volker's hands were on his back, his breath against his neck and his body pressed against his and it was all too much. The body covering his was too big, warm and heavy and he couldn't help but shout at him to get off. Volker shot off him as is electrocuted and Rush was close to hyperventilating. Rush refused to look at him and turned around, racing out of the bathroom and had to stop himself from running.

Ten corridors away he finally stopped and leaned against the wall, banging his head against it. _Stupid, stupid, stupid_. He really wished he could stop panicking all the time and that people could just leave him the fuck alone. He decided to retreat to the core room until everyone else woke up and then try and find himself another hiding place. He brought his hand to his eyes when he felt pain shoot through it and at the sight of the blood decided to stubbornly ignore it. It didn't feel broken and he needed to get back to work.

That plan worked for about five hours until around ten thirty when Eli showed up in the core room, pressing a cold cup of water against his forehead. Rush glanced at the time displayed on the console and barked at Eli that he was late making the youth cringe.

"Could you keep your voice down? I'm sporting a monster hangover here, apparently unlike certain Scottish scientists. Or maybe not…" Eli was staring at him with a bemused expression and put the dripping cup down on the nearest console, earning him the stink-eye from Rush.

"You look like shit, Rush. Did you continue the party after you left or what?" Eli stopped and his smile faded into a look of something close to terror. "Rush, you've got glass sticking out of your hand!"

Rush frowned and glanced down at his left hand and sure enough protruding from between his first and second knuckle was a thin mirror shard. He had completely forgotten about that. "So it would seem."

"Are you gonna do anything about it?!" Eli looked seriously worried for his sanity. "You really should go see TJ."

"It's just a scratch." Rush was beginning to get really annoyed with everyone poking their noses into his business. Despite himself he looked up at Eli and faced his worried eyes and knew he was losing the battle because Eli was never going to let him work in peace. "Fine I'll go see TJ if it will get you off my back." Rush slammed his other hand on the console and walked passed Eli who looked relieved.

He took his time walking through the corridors and thankfully met no-one on his way to the infirmary. He wondered why Young hadn't searched him out yet but suspected he was either still in bed with a hangover like everyone else or avoiding him just like Rush was him. When he passed the last corner he almost walked into TJ who looked very distracted.

"Rush! Just the person I wanted to see."

Rush eyed her suspiciously. "Why's that?"

"Young called me and said you weren't answering your radio." At Rush's blank expression she added, "He was worried."

"Oh, was he now?" He looked away from her, feeling his anger raise.

"Yeah, a lot of people are." She smiled sadly at him then pulling herself up. "So, I take it you were coming to see me?"

Rush regarded her for a moment before shaking his head slowly at the notion of Young running around the ship worrying about him. He knew that whatever twisted thing Young felt about him it wasn't even close to love.

"I hurt my hand." He waved his hand a bit at his side and she nodded.

"Well, I'd better take a look at that." She pointed towards the infirmary and turned around, indicating to Rush to follow which he did with some hesitation. For a moment he seriously considered just turning around and forgetting about the whole thing. But instead he followed her in and gingerly sat down on the edge of one of the beds. When TJ was done gathering supplies she sat down across from him on a stool.

"So, what trouble have you gotten yourself into this time?" She said while pulling on a pair of recycled plastic gloves. "I heard you and Young had quite the fight last night."

Rush frowned and glared at her until realisation hit and he sighed. "Chloe's got a big mouth."

"She was only concerned about you. She told me she heard you yell at the Colonel and that you wouldn't let her into your room. What happened?"

"Nothing."

"Rush if he hurt you…"

"Are we done 'cause I have to get back to work." He made to stand but she grabbed his wrist. Rush refrained from flinching but she let go of him quickly and he sat back down. "I still need to check on your hand."

Rush nodded and she held out her hand and he hesitated before giving her his. She studied the wound closely and frowned.

"How did this happen?"

Rush considered his options and decided on honesty this time around. "I had an incident with a mirror."

She looked up from his hand and he cursed his choice in the matter. He knew all kinds of unwanted questions soon would follow. He glared angrily at her but she seemed unperturbed, apart from the worry in her eyes.

"Was this before, during or after the Young incident?"

Rush sighed and rubbed his aching neck. "After. You can ask Volker, he was there. Though I'm not sure he'd actually remember anything."

TJ smiled weakly and began cleaning the cuts and pulled out the shard. Rush watched her with detached interest. He was surprised how much more tolerable this pain was to the one inside him. He hated the shame that came with the need to be close to someone and he wanted it to go away. People always said it helped to talk about the bad things that had happened to you, but who could he talk to? TJ with her pitying sad eyes and a shitload of problems of her own as well as others? Camile with her cold professionalism and big mouth? She would probably tell the IOA and try and have him replaced. He knew Chloe would listen and not judge but he didn't want her to know. She'd had enough pain in her life and didn't need another's to add to the load. Eli was out of the question and so were his playmates.

TJ wrapped his hand in bandages and pinned it in place with a security pin scavenged from someone's sewing kit. When she was done she sighed and looked at him. "I suppose there is no chance you'll tell me why you did this?"

Rush was getting annoyed again and pulled his hand away. "There's nothing to talk about."

"I think there is, and I'm here if you ever need to let of steam. It's not healthy to keep everything bottled up, Nicholas."

He glared at her and stood up from the bed and flexed his bandaged hand. The stinging pain was a nice distraction from his invading thoughts.

"Don't act like you care for me, Tamara. I neither need nor want your mollycoddling." He knew he sounded pathetic and obvious, but he just wanted to be away from her pitying eyes and false offers of friendship. He walked out the doors intent on not talking or seeing anyone even resembling a human for at least a week.

**To be continued**


	5. Out of Luck

**Where I Wished Not To Go**

Chapter V: Out of Luck

_We do what we do because of who we are. _

_If we did otherwise, we would not be ourselves._

-Neil Gaiman

Destiny dropped out of FTL and the countdown clock gave them thirty-six hours to explore the planet hovering in space beneath them. After trying, and failing, to find and speak to Rush for close to two weeks Young had more or less given up. He had searched all his usual haunts and the places he wasn't allowed to go but bound to turn up in sooner or later to no avail. Rush was avoiding him like the plague and he was very good at it.

Young stood in the Gateroom assembling a team to take down to the planet when he decided he'd had enough. He turned away from Scott and Greer who were talking to Eli about the conditions on the planet, and pulled out his radio.

"Rush, this is Young. Report to the Gateroom, you're joining the expedition."

Only static could be heard and Young fought a new surge of anger and growled, "Rush pick up your damned radio or I'll send Greer down there to drag you out of whatever crevice your hiding in!"

Silence, then, "On my way, Colonel. No need to get testy."

_Testy!?_ Young pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head. One week of silence and he was testy? Young would never get past the stage of sometimes wanting to strangle the man. He sighed and turned back to Eli and the others and looked at the kino feed. It showed a grey landscape with a faraway white forest. The ground looked dry and cracked with silver weeds sticking out in odd places.

"Eli, what we got?"

"Good air, trees, some birds and about 95 degrees so don't wear any mittens."

"We don't have any mittens." Greer commented while adjusting his gun holster. Eli decided to ignore him in favour of turning to Young, asking if he'd seen Rush anytime the last few days. Before Young could answer the doors slid open and Rush walked in, flipping through his notebook, his long hair obscuring his face. He had removed the long sleeve formerly white shirt and now wore the vest directly over his olive-drab t-shirt. Young was surprised to see how thin he looked and wondered if he had eaten anything in the week he'd been AWOL.

Young walked up to him and clasped his hands behind his back when he stopped. Rush continued to ignore him for a minute or so before sighing and stuffing the notebook back in his pocket. He turned and glared at Young, as if daring him to say anything. He looked tired and like he hadn't slept in days. Young suddenly remembered something and started digging through his pockets. Rush observed him with mild interest.

"I've got something of yours." Young presented the pencil, waiting for his reaction. Rush hesitated a bit before reaching out and taking the pencil from him; his delicate fingers brushing against Young's. "So, you're the one who stole it."

"No!" Young said, offended. "I found it by the console in the stasis chamber the day we woke up."

"Then why didn't you return it until now?" Rush turned the pencil between his fingers while looking like he didn't really care about the answer. "It's been close to fourteen days."

"Can't you just say 'thank you' like a normal person?"

"Normal is overrated." Rush tucked a stray strand of hair behind his ear and sighed. "And no."

Rush really looked haggard. It also looked like he'd gained a few more grey hairs over the week and Young was worried. "You okay?"

Rush flinched like he had forgotten Young was there and looked at him accusingly. He shoved the pencil into his pocket next to the notebook. "Could you stop asking me that?" He sounded angry and wary and Young was about to enquire further when the gate activated and the wormhole whooshed out.

xzxxzxxzx

They stepped through the gate, Young first and Rush closely behind with the rest of the team on his tail. The main reason for the trip was foraging, but since they didn't know what they might find on the planet Young had assigned a team mainly consisting of soldiers. With them were James, Greer, Barnes and Volker. When they came out the other side it was like a wall of heat hit them compared to the modest temperature aboard the Destiny and before them a great plain stretched out towards an almost white forest.

The dry ground crackled beneath their feet and Young couldn't understand what they could possibly find here. The heat was like heavy weight and made him wish to be back on the ship. However, Rush walking next to him seemed quite comfortable and almost had a spring in his step.

"You serious? You actually like this heat?" Young glanced at him with an incongruous smile.

Rush shrugged, "It's nice to not be cold for a change."

"Destiny isn't that cold."

"Cold enough." Rush muttered, gazing out across the plain with something distant and almost dead in his eyes.

Young looked over at Rush and his still injured hand. TJ had told him what had happened and it once again made him wonder what had happened to Rush to make him so upset about their encounter.

A loud conversation behind him caught his attention and in the silence of the dead landscape he couldn't help but overhear. Idle conversation had never been much for him and James and Greer were talking about what food on Earth they hated the most. Greer was dead set on pea soup but James couldn't decide between rice crackers and dried apricots. Young silently wondered what they had against any of those things. Compered to eating the daily moop on Destiny he would gladly have eaten any number of things he never could manage to stomach while on Earth. Just the idea of eating something with more than one colour made his mouth water. The conversation turned to favourite foods and Young really wished they would stop. Instead Volker and Barnes joined the conversation and Young's stomach growled. Rush cast him a condescending look and Young shrugged. It's not as if he could help it.

"Rush, what did you eat back on earth?" Volker asked, apparently feeling brave today. _Or suicidal_, Young thought while sighing internally. "I never saw you in the dining hall at Icarus. Or much here either." _Yeah, definitely suicidal._

To Young's surprise Rush answered. "I don't mind eating as long as it doesn't get in the way of my work and isn't poisoned. I've never put much thought to what I put in my mouth as long as it isn't a part of another person."

James and Barnes snorted, unlike Volker catching the innuendo. Greer looked slightly nauseous at the image probably forming in his mind. Young glanced at Rush and saw that he was smirking behind his hair and grinned in return.

Young was glad the conversation had finally turned away from food and into the far more savoury area of sex. When they began discussing their first time Rush's smile faded and he got a distant look in his eyes. Young was about to ask if he was okay but stopped himself. Rush glanced at him almost challenging and Young felt like he was missing some important piece of the puzzle. But then again he always felt like that around Rush. He wanted to pick him apart and see what was on the inside. To see what was hiding beneath the cold exterior and find the man hidden away behind all the hostility.

He was brought out of his musings when James loudly declared that someone had a much smaller dick than advertised. He and Rush glanced over their shoulder at the same time almost bumping their heads together. James was apparently sharing with the team what her first time was like and had Greer's and Volker's undivided attention. Young chuckled and turned back around to see where he was going. Rush turned as well while looking like he really wanted to be somewhere else.

James began her charming story about some boy she'd met and literally rolled around in the hay with on her parent's farm when she was sixteen. Apparently it had been less than perfect even before her father had barged into the haymow, shotgun in hand. The boy had rabbited off and she never saw him again. Barnes story was similar but with her mother catching her and without a shotgun. When it was Greer's turn he decided he'd had enough of their silly game and refused to answer on principle. He got a few comments like hypocrite and traitor thrown at him but took it with ease. When the question was directed at Volker he turned a brilliant shade of crimson looked away over the looming forest pretending not to have heard them. Volker glanced over at Young and Rush. If he valued his life he would not bring Rush into this conversation. If there was one thing Rush hated more than stupidity and being interrupted it was personal questions. Apparently he didn't have a death wish since he stayed quiet; the same thing could not be said about James.

"So Rush, got any stories to share?"

"No." He looked at his feet while he spoke. "No stories that are any of your business."

James was about say something rude but stopped herself when they had reached the forest. The trees were sparse and white, looking every bit as dead as the plain they'd just crossed. The trees were taller than they had appeared from a distance and loomed leafless over them like the legs of dead spiders. Rush reached out and touched one of them. He pulled his hand away as if burned.

"What is it?" Young asked. "Is it hot?"

Rush looked thoughtful as he crouched down next to the tree. He dug his hands into the loose dirt and exposed one of the roots. He touched it tentatively and frowned.

"Rush." Young felt his annoyance surge when Rush didn't even look his way.

"Rush!" When Rush continued to ignore him Young angrily kicked some dirt over his hand and shoes to get his attention.

"What?" Rush said with the distinct tone one normally reserves for addressing insolent children.

Young glared at him. "What did I just ask?"

"Well, if not even the one who asked the question thought it was important or relevant enough to be remembered, I highly doubt it was of much import."

"It was a rhetorical question." Young growled while fighting the urge to shake him violently.

"Then why did you feel the need to ask it in the first place?" Young clenched his hands in anger and momentarily shut his eyes. Greer shot him a sympathetic look. "I was referring to the second question."

"Oh, really? Tell me again, what was the first?" Rush sounded rather amused and Young yelled, "Rush, is the fucking tree hot!?"

"No, it's cold." Rush snapped, all amusement gone from his face, and rose from his crouch brushing his hands off on his jeans. "The tree is cold and its roots are even colder. Some underground stream must be supplying it with water mixed with some chemical agent which acts as a coolant in this hot climate. It would suggest that whatever water we find here is probably not fit for human consumption."

"That's all I wanted to know, Rush." Young felt exasperated and Rush nodded slowly before looking away. Young thought he almost looked embarrassed, but that would require a sense of shame and he wasn't sure if Rush was capable that emotion.

Young turned towards the rest of the team who had been watching their exchange and told them to have a look around but stay close. If they found anything, edible or not, they should radio him and not taste anything before TJ had run basic tests on it. The last was mostly directed at Greer. They spread out among the trees but Rush remained where he was, writing something down in his notebook. When he looked up Young tilted his head towards a clearing to the right and Rush followed him reluctantly while putting the book away. Young stopped by a small hill and turned towards Rush who looked at him hesitantly.

"Rush, we need to talk about that night."

"You want to do this now? Here?" Rush sneered.

"Yes, now Rush." Young took a step closer and Rush backed away but stopped when he caught himself doing so. "Why do you think I brought you here? You're impossible to talk to on Destiny."

"So you decided to do it here? 'Cause I've got such fond memories of the last time we spent time together on a hot, dusty planet."

Young hadn't thought about that. Guilt gripped him at the memory and he searched Rush's eyes for a trace of fear he was almost certain he'd heard in his voice but found only contempt and annoyance and he was strangely relieved. But then Rush looked away and the relief faded away into doubt.

"I'm not gonna leave you behind, Rush. I promise you that." Rush shuffled his feet and didn't look up. "Rush, look at me."

At Young's quiet tone Rush looked up and met his eyes. Rush still looked tired but slightly better than before. His eyes shone with a hard to read emotion but bore an underlying frustration. Young took another step forward and the ground creaked under his feet. He reached out his hand, wanting to lay it on Rush's shoulder in a calming gesture but soon realised as the man pulled away even further that it would seem anything but soothing to him. Young had known since the day they'd met that Rush hated being touched. But he had been wrong. Now, seeing the look in those dark eyes he knew that Rush didn't hate it; he feared it.

"What happened to you?" Young asked softly, almost afraid he'd scare him away if he raised his voice. Young was surprised to discover how much he cared that Rush was okay and he really needed to know what was wrong. Rush blinked a few times and looked away in thought. When he looked back at Young a truly innocent expression lingered on his face, like he couldn't believe someone actually cared about what had happened to him. The expression on his face made Young's heart constrict and he couldn't help but feel sorry for him. But when Rush saw the pity in his Young's eyes and his face hardened once more into that old mask of anger and frustration. He turned away sharply and Young closed the distance between them.

"Rush, wait!"

Young grabbed his arm and Rush ripped away from him and as he did the ground gave away under them and they were tumbling through the earth.

**To be continued**


	6. Dare Seize the Fire

**Where I Wished Not To Go**

Chapter VI: Dare Seize the Fire

_And after the storm,  
I run and run as the rains come  
And I look up, I look up,  
on my knees and out of luck,  
I look up._

-Mumford and Sons

Young regained consciousness and started coughing immediately. The air was thick with dust and the dim light obscured his surroundings. The only light was coming from the hole he had fallen through about sixteen feet up. Through the dark he discerned that he was in a small cave, the walls lined with roots and protruding rocks. The cave was pleasantly cool when compared to the outside up above. He heard movements to his left and saw Rush clambering into sitting position, his hair shielding his face and clutching his right arm in the dark.

"Rush, you okay?" Young coughed standing up slowly and trying not to hit his head on the low ceiling. When Rush didn't respond he turned towards him and yelled, "Rush are you alright?!"

"Yes! I nodded if you didn't notice." Rush yelled back angrily, "And stop fucking asking me that."

"If you ever answered truthfully I wouldn't have to!"

It was cold in the cave and Young suspected they were near the underground water source that fed the trees. Rush shivered drew in a sharp breath in pain and tucked his arm tighter to his body.

"Your arm okay?" Young asked but all he got for an answer was another angry glare.

"Is there anyone alive down there?" They heard James yell from above, her voice muffled. Young went to stand under the entrance and looked up into the light filtered through roots and weeds. He saw silhouettes moving up ahead but couldn't make out who was who. As he looked up dust fell in his eyes and he blinked it away.

"Yeah, we're okay. Can you get us out?" Young shouted back.

"We're looking into it. We'll get you out in no time, sir."

"Could everyone please stop yelling and use the fucking radios yer giving me a headache!" Rush growled pulling his legs up to his chest and wrapping his uninjured arm around his knees.

"Try not to kill each other guys!" Greer yelled making Rush cringe and drop his head to his knees.

Young glared at Rush before ducking his head and moving over to sit next to him. He looked over at Rush's arm and saw that it was covered in something dark that could only be blood. In the dim light he couldn't see how bad it was but it looked pretty gruesome.

"Shit Rush, why didn't you say anything?" Young was about to grab his radio when Rush looked up and placed a hand on his radio and pushed it away.

"It's already stopped bleeding, there's no need to call for help."

"Well, it looks serious…" Young was getting annoyed with Rush's lack of concern for his own health.

"Well it's not!" Rush was angry again and ducked his head back down.

"Rush we need to talk."

"What about?" Rush was still refusing to look at him.

"You know about what. We have to talk about what happened after the party."

"There's nothing to talk about." Rush growled but sounded weak.

Young's temper was rising again. "Dammit Rush could you fucking look at me!"

Young grabbed Rush's wrist forgetting about the wound. Rush screamed and pulled away and Young let go of him as if burned. Rush crumpled on a heap on the ground. He cradled his arm and curled up in a ball away from Young.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to do that." Young said all anger gone and replaced by guilt.

"Could you please stop saying you're sorry about everything!" Rush murmured from behind his hair.

"I won't stop saying that I'm sorry Rush 'cause I am." Young moved clumsily around Rush and sat down beside him to try to see his face. Rush uncurled himself and pushed of the ground with one arm and leaned back against the wall. He shook his hair out of his face and gazed at the ceiling. Young continued, "I never meant to hurt you or scare you that night. I though you wanted it too and if you didn't and I misread the signals then I'm even sorrier…"

Young was interrupted by Rush laughing mirthlessly.

"You didn't hurt me Colonel. You could never hurt me; you're not strong enough."

Young frowned and wasn't sure how to interpret that answer. "Then who did?"

Rush's laughed again and he looked across at Young, dark eyes distant and unforgiving. "No-one."

"Rush you were crying and screaming at me. You were terrified. I was terrified! I didn't know what to think. Who hurt you, Rush?"

"You didn't hurt me." Rush's face was almost void of emotions but in his eyes lingered unshed tears.

"What happened?"

Rush lowered his gaze and their eyes locked. Young thought for a split second that Rush would punch him when he suddenly moved, but he didn't. Instead he wrapped his arm around his neck and Young thought for a moment Rush was going to strangle him but instead he hugged him tightly. Young didn't know what to say or do so hugged him back. This was the last thing he'd ever expect Rush to do and maybe that's why Rush did it. Young was beginning to feel uncomfortable and began to pull away but stopped when he felt sobs racking through Rush's thin frame. Young found himself too shocked to move and instead held him tighter. He carded his fingers through Rush's soft hair and moved his other hand in slow circles between his shoulder blades, whispering things like _you'll be okay, I'm here_ and _everything's_ _okay_. Young didn't know how long they sat there just holding each other. It had been so long since anyone had hugged him that Young was despite the circumstances glad to be there.

When they finally pulled apart Rush was stubbornly looking away so Young carefully placed a hand on each of his cheeks and kissed him so gently he could barely feel it. Like the wings of a butterfly his lips passed over Rush's who finally looked at him, his eyes big and sad. Young stroked his cheek with his thumb. Young slowly carded his fingers through his soft hair and Rush sighed in defeat and rested his head against Young's shoulder. Young moved his other hand and laid it back between Rush's shoulder blades. Young was reminded of comforting his younger brother when he had awoken from nightmares. He remembered holding him and whispering fairytales in his ear. The difference was that with his brother he had known what to do, but with Rush he was at a loss. But it felt safe sitting there together of all places to do so. A dark pit underground turned out to be the place he felt safer than the brightly lit rooms on earth or the shadowy corridors on Destiny. Though he knew it mattered not where he was, but who he was with.

Rush moved a little and for a moment Young thought he would pull away, but soon he felt an arm wrap itself around his waist.

"Something happened on Icarus." Rush's voice was muffled against Young's shoulder and he sounded surprised to hear his own voice. Young suspected there was an internal battle going on between the side of him that wanted to take whatever secret he was carrying to the grave and the side that just wanted someone to confide in and not having to carry the burden alone.

Rush sighed and squeezed his eyes shut, making up his mind and said breathlessly, "After Gloria died I was lost. And then someone came around and I jumped at the opportunity to not have to be alone anymore. At least for one night. To be wanted… I hadn't realized how much I'd missed that."

Rush moved his head a bit and leaned his cheek against Young's shoulder while turning his face away. Young leaned forward and kissed him on the head, fearing the outcome of his story.

"We went back to his room and I think something must have been in my drink 'cause everything got so heavy and fuzzy." Rush fell silent again and Young could feel him shaking and tears seeping through the fabric of his jacket.

"You're okay, Rush." Young's voice hitched as he patted Rush's hair. "Everything is alright."

Rush's hand left Young's waist and landed on his arm, holding on to him tightly.

Rush stopped crying and turned very still. "He put something in my drink and then he was inside me. It hurt. I bit his hand but I couldn't move. He was too heavy and I was too weak. I should have tried harder but I just gave up."

"He raped you." Tears were threatening to fall down Young's cheeks and he felt like his world was breaking. He hated the fact that he could think of nothing else to say than to state the obvious. He knew nothing he could say could change what he happened but he really wished it would. He also hated the fact that if he'd found out four years ago he would probably have thought Rush deserved it.

He pressed his lips to Rush's head feeling guilty and like it was his own fault somehow. "It wasn't your fault, Rush. Never think that. You're the strong one, not him."

Rush chuckled desolately and slowly pulled out of Young's embrace. Rush bowed his head and clasped his hand on Young's shoulder.

"Young, why are you here?" Young blinked in confusion and didn't answer so Rush quickly rephrased the question. "Why are you here with me? Why do you even care what's happened to me? Because I know you've never cared about my well-being before as long as I was alive enough to fix the ship when it was about to blow up. Why do you suddenly care now?"

Young wasn't sure how to answer that. His feelings for Rush had kind of sneaked up on him but now that they were there they were strong. Rush looked up at him and frowned, his eyes sad but calculating.

"I've seen you looking at me and I couldn't figure out why; the look in your eyes reminded me of his, but I have also missed it. To be wanted. But I don't understand why you would look at me like hat. I'm disgu…" Rush's suddenly clenched his lips shut and turned away angry at himself for his honesty, but Young knew exactly what he was about to say.

"Rush don't ever say that. You are not disgusting. He was, not you. You are beautiful."

Rush's eyes brightened and he looked down, but not before Young caught a shy smile that he'd never thought he would see on his face but really hoped he would again. Rush soon looked up again and there was something almost playful in his eyes.

"Young don't call me that."

"What?" Young frowned.

"Rush." Rush edged forward and gripped Young's shoulder tighter with his hand.

Young couldn't supress a grin. "What do you want me to call you?"

Rush's moved his hand from his shoulder to his cheek and leaned forward, his lips brushing against Young's, whispering, "Nick," before kissing him. Young responded to the kiss that was warmer and more honest than any he could ever remember receiving. He felt like he was melting but then realisation suddenly struck him and he reluctantly broke the kiss.

"You don't have to prove anything to me, Nick. I still want you."

Rush frowned and Young thought he saw a faint blush of anger in the dim light of the cave. "When did you get so perceptive?"

"No idea." Young smiled tentatively while stroking Rush's hair. "All I know is that you never have to be anything you're not around me. I take whatever I can get."

Rush bowed his head and muttered something that sounding like, "And they say I'm crazy."

Young chuckled and Rush leaned back against the wall. His eyes were downcast and hidden behind a curtain of hair and he once again wrapped his arm around his knees, supressing a hiss of pain as he did so. Rush glanced at the wound on his arm looking more annoyed then concerned.

"That hurt?" Young asked getting worried in his stead and pointing at the wound hidden behind the dark blood while edging closer.

"No, it just sort of tinges." Rush glared at him. "Of course it hurts!"

"No need to get testy." Young smirked throwing Rush's words back at him and Rush scowled.

There was a rustling sounding above them and a rope appeared hanging from the hole in the ceiling. Young pulled himself up and walked hunched over to it and yanked it. It didn't come down and was apparently attached to something, possibly a tree, up top.

"You guys still alive down there?" James called.

"Yeah, still here but Rush is hurt." Young said making Rush scowl at him again. "It's gonna be a bit of a challenge to get us up."

"You just hang on to the rope and we'll pull you up, don't you worry Colonel." Greer shouted.

Young looked back at Rush and sighed when he saw the other man looking away.

"How's that arm? Really?"

It was Rush's time to sigh and instead of answering he waved his hand dismissively before hissing in pain when he accidently moved his other arm. He looked tired and strained when he locked eyes with Young. "I don't think I can climb." He sounded rather hopeless.

Young knelt down in front of him and touched his hand absently and was surprised when Rush didn't flinch away. Rush was studying his movements and rested his head against the cave wall while Young rubbed his chin in thought. An idea suddenly came to him and he tapped Rush's hand making him stare at him reproachfully. Young turned around with some effort in the small space and hunched down. "Grab my shoulders."

When Rush didn't move he glanced over his shoulder and saw Rush staring at him almost accusingly. "Come on Ru… Nick. Grab on to my shoulders and I'll get us both up that rope."

"I'm not five years old, Young."

"I know but you weigh about as much as one, so I think I can manage."

When Rush still didn't move Young turned around and fought the urge to strangle him at the close to disgusted look he received. Young instead tapped his hand again and Rush pulled it away angrily.

"Nick, could you please not fight me on this one thing. I'm not leaving you down here and you're not getting up on your own."

Rush avoided his eyes but finally nodded and looked at him again and Young turned around once more.

"It might be a good idea if you first moved as close as possible to the rope if you don't want to have to drag me across the whole cave." Came Rush's annoyed voice from behind him and Young couldn't deny the truth in his words. He stood awkwardly and walked over to the rope.

Rush followed him and looked up into the light coming from the hole. It took a moment for Young to stop himself from staring at him standing in the dusty light. The soft shadows enhanced his bone structure and the light danced of his smooth skin. The golden glow made his hair shine. He looked quite angelic. Rush looked back at him, his eyes honey coloured, and Young felt the need to kiss him again. He took half a step forward and Rush took one back looking uncertain.

"Nick, can I kiss you?"

Rush turned from uncertain to surprised and nodded hesitantly. He walked back into the light and wrapped his hand around Young's neck. Young pulled him into a hug and Rush kissed him full on the lips. The thought of someone hurting Rush like that twisted around Young's heart at that moment and he broke the kiss and hugged him closer. The knowledge that someone had raped his Nick, _yes his Nick_, coursed like a poison through his veins and made him never want to let go of him again. He wondered how damaged Rush really was to seek comfort with him.

They broke the hug when James called again asking if everything was okay. Rush let go of him immediately and walked around him and wrapped his arms around his neck hesitantly. He groaned when the movement pulled on his wound but didn't let go. Young felt him rest his head against the back of his. Rush's breathing sounded ragged and strained and Young had to stop himself from asking if he was okay.

Instead he said, "Nick, you're gonna have to wrap your legs around my waist or I'm not going to be able to lift both of us without getting strangled."

"Maybe that was my plan all along." Rush murmured against his neck, pain evident in his voice. "Capturing you in a cave and try to talk you to death and if that didn't work, strangle you whilst you were climbing up a rope."

Young ducked his head and chuckled. "Yeah, great plan Nick. Come on, legs up."

Rush swore before wrapping one leg around Young and then the other. Young grabbed hold of the rope and heaved them up. Their ascent was slow and painful but helped by the others pulling the rope from their end. It became clear to Young how Rush had hurt himself on the way down and he was surprised he hadn't done the same. The hole they had tumbled down through was narrow and lined with sharp protruding rocks which snagged their clothes and cut their skin. Young's arms ached but the entrance was getting nearer so he pushed on. Rush had buried his face in his neck and was half choking him. Young could feel wet blood soaking through his clothes from Rush's wound and was beginning to get very worried. He should have made Rush at least let him bind it before they set of on their arduous journey towards a less subterraneous existence. Rush's grip loosened but he quickly grabbed hold of Young's shoulders again while supressing a whimper.

"Nick, you with me?" Young felt Rush nod behind his back, his breathing laboured.

One last pull from Greer on the rope and Young could reach out and grab James' hand. Just as he did he felt Rush lose his grip as he passed out and in a moment of blind panic Young let go of the rope and grabbed Rush's arm before he could once again fell into the dark. With the combined strength of Greer, James, Volker and Barnes, he and Rush were finally pulled out of the tunnel. Young collapsed on the ground next to Rush who was still out and a panting Greer. James and Barnes stood clutching their sides. Young was about to get up and grab his radio to call for TJ when he saw her sprinting towards them behind Barnes. When she reached them she quickly sat down next to Rush and checked his pulse. She didn't look pleased and Young sat up a bit too quickly and felt his back crick.

"Is he okay?" Young asked.

TJ glanced at him, her eyes worried. "He has lost a lot of blood and his heart rate is down."

She checked his eyes for signs of shock and then moved on to his arm after pulling on a pair of gloves. A shadow passed over her face and she pulled out some torn sheets they used for compressors from her bag.

"You should have bound the wound."

She looked at him accusingly while wiping her forehead with her arm. The heat was pressing down on them and Young found it hard to breathe as worry raced through him.

Young was beginning to feel slightly nauseous. "He said it wasn't that bad."

"Everett, I can see the bone where the skin and muscle has been scraped away."

**To be continued**


	7. As the Rain Comes

**Where I Wished Not To Go**

Chapter VII: As the Rain Comes

_What the hammer! What the chain,  
In what furnace was thy brain  
What the anvil, what dread grasp,  
Dare its deadly terrors clasp!_

-William Blake

Rush woke up on one of the infirmary beds to a burning pain in his arm. He felt gloved fingers and a needle pushing through his skin but kept his eyes closed. Hands pressed his shoulders down in case he should awaken and panic due to the lack of sedatives. He was glad TJ had refrained from using the alien venom since they had so little of it and also because he really didn't enjoy the memory of waking up in surgery that came with it.

He wished TJ would finish soon so that he could get out of there and hopefully back to work, if he could only summon enough strength to stand. He knew he should have told Young about the seriousness of the wound but he didn't. Not because he didn't want him to worry, well maybe a little but only for selfish reasons, but because he just didn't care one way or the other what happened to him. He was also extremely sick of everyone constantly asking him what was wrong but he knew that ignoring a potentially lethal wound was not the way to get them to back off.

He felt one last pull of the thread and startled when TJ spoke. "You can stop pretending to be asleep now." Her voice was muted and screamed concern. "I'm just going to put on some bandages, okay?"

Rush nodded and felt the hands on his shoulders release their grip. He opened his eyes and blinked against the harsh light before his eyes adjusted and he could make out Chloe standing above him. She smiled weakly before moving around the bed and standing next TJ who was collecting clean bandages from a supply box. TJ turned around with a handful of bandages and glared at him. He dragged himself into sitting position with some effort and leaned against the wall.

"Are you trying to kill yourself?" Her anger was brought out of worry but Rush stared right back at her and answered acidly. "I would hardly have let Young carry me up that rope then, would I?"

"Then why didn't you tell him about your arm?" TJ asked exasperatedly. "You almost bled out! I stitched you up the best I could but there wasn't much I could do about the area where the skin has been flayed away. If we'd been in a real hospital I could have given you skin graphs and prevented some of the scarring you're bound to sustain. The chance of infection is also great considering our lack of antibiotics."

"Don't exaggerate, it isn't that bad." Rush growled.

"Weren't that bad!? Who's the doctor here!?" TJ's voice was turning shrill and Chloe began edging away towards the door.

"I am!" Rush yelled back.

"Then start acting like one and use your head, Rush!" replied TJ, her voice dangerously low.

They both fell silent and TJ suddenly looked uncomfortable. A soft hiss from the closing doors told them Chloe had vacated the area. TJ broke eye contact and he looked away, not wanting to yell anymore. He could tell she had many more questions that he really didn't want to answer. He felt obligated to apologize to her for yelling and was about to do so when she looked up and moved over to his bed. She leaned against it and crossed her arms over her stomach in a disarming gesture.

"Just take care of yourself, Rush. I know you're not eating and now this. You must understand I get worried about you just as much as if it had happened to anyone else on the ship. Possibly even more so, because I know from experience that you are pretty much useless at taking care of yourself." She gave him a weak smile and pushed off the bed.

"How long do I have to stay here?" Rush decided against apologizing but tried not to sound to obnoxious in recompense.

"Until I say you can go." There was a note of seriousness in her voice hidden behind a playful smile. Rush scowled at her and fought the urge to tell her to go fuck herself. He knew she only had his best interests at heart, but it still irked him to be confined and kept away from his work for an uncertain amount of time.

"I have to call the Colonel and tell him you're up." Rush frowned and she added, "He's been calling to check up on you once every ten minutes or so since we got you in here."

She gave him another smile before patting his knee and moving away to her desk to radio Young. Rush was too distracted to flinch away from her touch.

_Oh right, Young. Fuck!_ He had opened his heart to Young of all people. Why the hell had he done that? Young was the least likably person he had ever met and there he was crying on his shoulder. But he knew he was fooling himself. He knew exactly why he'd gone to Young; because there was no-one else to go to. In the far regions of space you take what you get and he hated the fact that he needed someone. For comfort, warmth, love, companionship… The thought was ludicrous but true nonetheless. The need to be wanted again and find somewhere to belong was almost overwhelming and so was the nagging voice in the back of his mind saying _you're pathetic, you're pathetic, you're pathetic. _

Images of that drunken night with Young in his quarters flashed through his mind and banged his head against the wall. It had felt so good to be touched and to be unafraid like he used to be. But the booze hadn't been enough and soon then the memories came back and that sickening dread that went with them. Maybe he should ask Young to fuck him and ignore his screaming just to get it over with. For some reason he doubted Young would be very happy with that proposition. No, Young might beat him to a pulp or leave him to aliens in a fit of rage, but he wouldn't do that. At least Rush hoped he wouldn't. There was that dread again taking hold of him and he banged his head against the wall for a second time. TJ looked up briefly at the sound and noted that there seemed to be no immediate danger and returned to her work. Rush wished he could do the same. _Good thing then that we can never go more than a few days between something falling off or blowing up on this ship_, he thought bitterly.

xzxxzxxzx

Young sat at his desk staring at his computer trying to finish his report on the events that had occurred on the planet. So far it was about half a page long since he couldn't bring himself to even mention of what had happened in the cave. It all felt too personal and he wasn't sure himself how to explain it. Rush had opened up to him about one of the worst experiences anyone could ever have. Young was flattered that he had chosen him to confide in but above all he was confused. He knew that Rush hated him. Rush had always hated him with a fiery passion and he couldn't figure out when that had changed. He leaned back in his chair and tilted his head back, sighed and closed his eyes.

It also troubled him that he still didn't know who had done it to him. Someone on Icarus. What if they were on the ship now? No, he would have seen if Rush had shied away from or seemed afraid of anyone. But then again Rush was crazy and might have reacted differently towards them. Rush hated giving anything away and would have hid his true emotions. He would probably have ignored the man or attempted to put him out of commission somehow.

Young's eyes snapped open. There was one man who Rush hated and had actually killed, accidentally or not, and that was Telford. Young frowned, suddenly uncertain on what or who to believe. He knew in his heart that Rush had told him the truth in the cave, but he wasn't sure if he'd believe him if he told him that Telford had been the perpetrator.

Young got up from his chair and began pacing the room. He had known David for years. He knew he came off as rough and sometimes even ruthless. But the idea of him doing something like this didn't sit right with Young. If it had been him it must have happened during the time he was brainwashed by the Lucian Alliance. David had been cold and even cruel back then but to do something like that and not being able to stop himself there must have been some underlying reason or emotion.

Even though Young hated the idea of his friend being Rush's rapist, he couldn't see anyone else on Icarus taking on that role. _Rush's rapist_. The words contorted in his chest and he found it hard to breathe. He stopped pacing when a disturbing memory surfaced. _I bit his hand but I couldn't move._ Did Telford have a scar on his hand? That was a fairly easy thing to find out on his next visit to Homeworld Command. He just had to make sure that Telford didn't switch with him. In case he was right he didn't want Telford running into Rush while in Young's body and breaking the tentative layer of trust that had formed between them. He knew he should just ask Rush but he was almost certain he wouldn't tell him.

Another sickening thought struck him. Telford was going out with Emily. If it was Telford then Rush should have told him. Anger flared in him again at the thought that Rush could have allowed the same thing to happen to his ex-wife by his inaction. What if Telford had raped Emily too? Young's heart sank at the word _too _and his anger faded away into guilt. Of course he hadn't told him. But he was getting ahead of himself, investigate first and accuse later.

Young clenched his hands and breathed deeply. A rising need to check if Rush had woken up gripped him. He had been unconscious for over three hours. Another thing he couldn't understand was why Rush hadn't told him how badly he'd been hurt. All this worrying over Rush was exhausting. Young sighed and he knew he had to ask him about Telford and he was not looking forward to that conversation.

There was a knock on the door and Young startled. Already standing next to it he palmed the release and half expecting to see Scott or TJ, he was surprised to find himself facing Dr Volker. He stood shifting from foot to foot, looking surprised to see Young even though he had been the one knocking on his door.

"Dr Volker, I assume you wanted something." Young quirked an eyebrow and moved aside to let him in. He was secretly quite glad for the distraction and for not having to deal with Rush right away. The thought of it alone filled him with dread. Volker stepped into the room looking lost and fiddling with his shirt sleeves.

"Volker, out with it." There was no real edge to Young's voice but Volker flinched anyway.

"Um, you were married, right?" Volker glanced up at him, blushing furiously.

Young's eyebrows knitted, not sure where this conversation was leading. "Yes, for six years. Why do you ask?"

"But it didn't work out?"

"Where are you going with this?" Young was getting irritated and Volker took a deep steadying breath.

"You still have your wedding ring, right?"

"Yeah…"

"Do you think it's possible that I could maybe have it?" Volker seemed to stop breathing while waiting for his answer. Young frowned and crossed his arms, feeling that this day was just going over his head.

"What possible reason could you have for asking me that?"

"I need it. Well something made out of gold anyway."

"Why, you got some experiment were you need it as a conduit or something?"

"Yeah, kind of."

"Volker!"

"Me and Ronald are marrying Lisa and we need a ring made of something other than plastic or leftover Destiny."

Young stared at him, not quite sure he had heard him right. "You and Greer are marrying Park? I thought marriage was a two person gig. Or did I miss something?"

"Well we love each other and are probably going to live here together for the rest of our lives, so why not?"

"You don't know that. We might still get home."

Volker smiled almost serenely. "I'm beginning to think this is home. Everyone I love is here. This is where I belong."

Young huffed but then smiled, and with a certain bitter sweetness lacing his mind and words at the prospect of staying on Destiny forever said, "Well I'm not gonna be the one to stop you."

Volker's face lit up. "So, can we have the ring?"

"Take the damn ring." Young chucked and dug his hand into his beast pocket and pulled out the ring. He looked at it for a moment, feeling nothing, before tossing it to Volker who caught it mid-air with a smile. Young's radio went off breaking the pleasant atmosphere in the room.

"Colonel Young this is TJ."

"TJ how's our patient?" Young felt worry creep up on him again.

"He's awake. You can come down and see him if you promise not to upset him."

"Not making any promises TJ, but I'll try."

Young shut off the radio and tucked it back onto his belt while nodding at Volker who smiled sympathetically.

"Good luck with that." Young said nodding towards the ring in Volker's hand. Volker turned a faint shade of green and smiled nervously.

"Thanks." He opened the door and Young followed him out. "Oh, and good luck with Rush."

Young suddenly felt very tired. "Thanks, I'll need it."

They parted ways down the corridor, Volker going down to the shuttle to make schemes with Greer and Young to try and get Rush to tell him his biggest remaining secret.

**To be continued**


	8. The Sight of Eyes Blind

**Where I Wished Not To Go**

Chapter VIII: The Sight of Eyes Blind

_The winners are the ones who become aware _

_Of just how much they have lost._

-TheFryersmuck

Rush was staring at the door. He knew Young would come through it any moment. He could almost feel the unwanted and unwelcomed questions coming nearer. Young would ask him who had ra… done the deed, and he wouldn't be able to answer. Why would he want to? He had told no-one after it happened and no-one had noticed. He barely remembered the week after the incident because he was so propped up on Gloria's old painkillers. No-one would have believed him then, and no-one would now. He didn't need them to. Fine, that was a lie. He had hated that no-one had cared enough to see the bruises on his face and arms. That no-one even threw an insult his way or unkind remark. No-one said anything. No-one cared, no-one saw. It was like it never happened. The last shred of dignity and self-respect he had was torn away from him and no-one turned an eye. They didn't even notice he was fucking stoned.

But why would they? He pretended like nothing had happened and so did Telford. Telford never even looked at him until Rush had had enough and rammed a pencil through Telford's hand. Rush smiled at the memory of Telford's face turning from chock into pain. The neck and the groin, the neck and the groin. No matter how big the fucker is they've all got a neck and a groin. Some Irish comedian said that, but he couldn't be bothered to remember which one. It was true though.

No charges had been pressed. Telford had tried but O'Neill had talked him down, telling him they needed Rush to solve the Ninth Chevron problem. Telford backed down, either because he didn't the whole legal circus with the IOA or because he was afraid Rush would tell them something damaging. But he needn't have worried. Rush had been, and still was, clinging on to the last shreds of dignity he had. He felt he was running low on it after his weeping episode with Young and he didn't need to lose any more by throwing accusations around. Either they would call him a liar and he'd be publicly humiliated by the people whose respect he needed for the sake of efficiency aboard the ship, or worse they'd believe him and he would be dragged in front of the IOA and would have to retell the events over and over with their pity and disgust raining down on him. It was bad enough with the way Young looked at him. His eyes dripping with sadness and showing a display of pity that didn't suit him.

But Young had kissed him again. And Rush had kissed him back. Was he really that desperate to be wanted? To be seen with eyes showing any emotions other than anger, hatred and disgust? Short answer: yes. Rush groaned and banged his head against the wall for what felt like the sixtieth time that day. A bump had formed at the back of his head and a flaming headache at the front. TJ let him get on with it, seeing it as a less self-destructive form of punishment than letting yourself bleed to death or not eating for a week. She hadn't tried to get him to talk about what had happened again and he was grateful for it. It would be tiring enough to try and duck Young's questions. And speak of the devil, lo and behold he appears.

Young was standing in the doorway to the infirmary, arms crossed and looking at him. It was making Rush uncomfortable so he glared back. Young pushed off the doorframe and made his way over to Rush, his face sullen. He pulled up a chair next to the bed and clasped his hands under his chin while resting his elbows on his knees. Young looked at a loss of where to start his line of questioning.

"Young, what do you want?" Rush growled, untangling his arms from around his knees and stretching out his legs.

"I just had a very odd conversation with Volker." Young said. Apparently he was choosing to avoid what he'd come there to talk about. "He's getting married to Park. And Greer."

Rush sighed and turned his face away. Young tilted his head minutely to try to catch his eye. "Did you already know?"

"Aye, I knew." Rush answered, scratching his stubbled chin absently, wishing Young would go away. "Ask me whatever you came here to ask or go away, Young."

"I didn't come here to ask you anything." Young was a terrible liar.

"Do I look like a complete idiot?" Rush barked, knowing the moment the foolish words were out that he was going to regret them.

"Well, I'm not sure, Rush. Take a look at your arm and tell me." Rush glared at him but then chuckled and threw his head back against the wall. His laugh stilled and he looked over at his bandaged arm. "I guess that's not a completely unfair assessment."

"You need to stop this, Rush. Self-destructive doesn't suit you."

"You're one to talk. As I remember just recently you used to down half of Brody's still in one go."

Young brought his hands down to his knees, refusing to get angry. "And you remember how well that went even before Destiny's little mind games. Stop deflecting."

"Then get to the point!" Rush was staring angrily at him as Young met his eyes.

"Nick, who was it?"

"None of your fucking business."

"Was it Telford?" He asked. Young could tell by his expression that Rush hadn't expected that last question.

Young held his breath as Rush turned towards him with a hard to read expression. A mixture of chock and fear as far as Young could tell. He was about to speak when Rush turned his face away and pulled his knees up to his chin. His hands were shaking when he brushed his hair out of his face and his eyes looked wet before he closed them briefly. He angrily glared back at Young and with a hint of disappointment in his eyes.

"Rush…"

"Fuck you, Young." Rush's voice shook and didn't carry the command.

"Nick, I need to know if it was him."

"Why Everett, so you can go save your Emily?"

Young was taken aback by the mention of his ex-wife and also by the fact that Rush seemed to be admitting putting her in danger by not coming forth. But at that moment Young had to admit that he didn't give a damn about Emily. Right now he only cared about killing the bastard who'd hurt Rush.

"No Nick, so I can save you."

Rush froze and stared at him with wide eyes before breaking into laughter. "You want to save me, Young? I'm afraid you're a wee bit too late." Rush leaned his head back against the wall, chuckling mirthlessly.

"I want to help you, Rush."

Rush turned back towards him, his eyes harsh and pitiless as the sun. "You can't help me Young, so stop trying." He curled into himself again and wrapped his arms around his legs, hissing as he inadvertently pulled on the stiches.

"I have never really listened to you before, so why should I start now? I'm helping you through this Nick, whether you want me to or not."

Young reached out his hand and hesitantly put it on top of Rush's. Rush flinched but didn't pull his hand away so Young held it tighter, trying to convey a sense of comfort. Rush's long, thin hand with its smooth skin felt fragile in Young's large, callused hand. Rush frowned, not understanding what Young's agenda was.

"You don't have to do everything alone." Young said. Rush looked down at their joined hands and interlaced their fingers thoughtfully. "You chose to speak to me in that cave, you can do it again."

"There was no-one else." Rush shut his eyes briefly before locking eyes with Young. "I only chose you because there was no-one else."

Young frowned and tried to deduce to meaning of those words but his brain was working less than at a hundred percent. It had been a very long day. He knew that Rush didn't mean it as a compliment, but that when compared to the other people in the direct vicinity Young was the only one he could ever have remotely considered talking to. A desire brought out of need, not want. Young found himself wondering if Rush could ever care for him the same way that Young did. But it didn't matter; not here, not now. You take what you get, and if all he got was Rush he'd be content.

"I'm okay with that."

Rush looked up at him accusingly before grasping what he had said. Young was almost certain he saw him smile behind that curtain of hair. He decided not to risk asking about Telford again at the sight of that smile, fearing that it would go away. The smile faded again however as Rush's face darkened in thought. Young really wished he could read his mind; everything would have been so much easier then.

"Did you notice anything?" Rush was still staring intently at their hands as he spoke.

"Notice anything when?"

"Back on Icarus after the…incident. Did you notice that anything was wrong with me?" Rush looked at him hopefully and a tight knot of guilt formed in Young's stomach.

"No, I'm sorry I didn't." Rush looked away, clearly disappointed with his answer and nodded slowly. Young felt like an asshole and couldn't help but wonder how he hadn't seen anything. He had met Rush almost every day while on Icarus. How could he not have noticed anything was wrong?

"Did you tell anyone? The IOA or O'Neill or somebody?"

"What do you think?" Rush snarled and pulled his hand free. "I didn't even tell a doctor, why would I have told anyone of those wankers a thing? I needed to get back to work and they would have held me up."

"You never went to see a doctor?" Young was staring at him not quite believing what he was hearing. "How were you able to go back to work? Weren't you in pain?"

"Of course I was in pain." Rush yelled making TJ look up. Lowering his voice to an angry hiss he continued, "I downed about half a bottle of vicodin a day for a week. I was having mood swings like a demented fucking teenager and was covered in bruises. I couldn't walk properly for weeks but no-one either gave a fuck or they all just ignored it! Not even fucking Volker said anything and he was hanging around me all the fucking time!"

Rush felt close to tears and couldn't stop the stream of emotions pouring out of him. His voice slowly increasing in volume he went on, "I don't need your help now, Young! I could have needed your help back then, or anyone's for that matter! But, no! It's just crazy old Doctor Rush, pay him no mind. Do you know what it's like to have everyone walking by you like you're fucking invisible when you're fucking dying inside!"

"Rush, I didn't know!" Young said feeling helplessly.

"And that's the fucking problem now innit?" Tears were pouring down Rush's face but he ignored them.

"Rush, I'm sorry." Young really meant it but Rush was passed the point of caring what he said.

"Well, that's fucking grand, that is. Young, why don't you just fuck off and leave me alone for a change?"

"Nick…"

"Go away, Young." Rush's voice seemed to fade into nothing and he sounded very tired.

"Nick, please…" Young rose gingerly and sat down on the edge of Rush's bed facing him. The moment he did Rush dropped his head on his shoulder realising a sigh or possibly a whimper. Young wrapped his arms around him and held him lightly but close. Rush wasn't crying anymore, just sitting there shivering slightly and letting Young hold him and taking all the comfort he could get, wherever it came from. Young smelled like Destiny and the mist sprayed by the showers and a subtle but masculine smell that could only be Young. Rush shut his eyes tightly when he realised that Young might actually have begun to care for him at some point. And he didn't know if he could ever fully return that sentiment. He felt something for Young, yes, something growing stronger by the minute. It was warm and caring, but he doubted it was love or ever would be. New tears filled his eyes and he pushed Young away with his uninjured arm.

"Go away, Young." Rush whispered, not really wanting him to, but needing to be alone to think things over.

"Okay, I can do that." Young looked confused and a little disappointed but acquiesced. "I'll let you get some sleep then. I'll check back on you again in a few hours."

Rush nodded but refused to look at him, feeling the tears were still to near and that Young had seen him cry a few times too many.

xzxxzxxzx

When Young made his way out the doors TJ followed him and shut them behind them. She grabbed his arm with a reproachful look on her face.

"I told you not to upset him."

"I'm afraid that was inevitable."

TJ scowled at him but apparently decided to let it go. "Is he okay? He's not telling me anything."

"No surprises there."

TJ frowned. "I'm worried about him. He's not eating or sleeping much and if he continues like that it is going to take longer time for the wound to heal."

"How bad is it?"

"It could have been better. We've used up most of our antibiotics and he's gonna need a lot of them. As long as he doesn't get an infection he should be okay. He'll have one hell of a scar though." She tilted her head to the side. "I noticed you two are getting along better"

Young smiled absently at her last remark, lost in thought. "You saw that did you?"

"Kind of hard to miss." She said dryly but then smiled, "I'm glad you have found someone who tolerates you."

"I'm not too sure about the tolerance part, but it…I'm not sure. It's something, I know it's that."

"If you don't mind me saying so, Rush certainly isn't the first person that comes to mind when talking about relationships or love. How did you two end up where you are now? It feels like I missed something big."

_We're both damaged and can't fix ourselves_, thought Young and frowned. "When all you have is your life and the clothes on your back and then suddenly someone you've overlooked comes along and gives your life a bit more meaning, wouldn't you jump at the opportunity? To not have to be alone is a powerful thing."

"Yes, it is." TJ squeezed his hand briefly. "We take what we get and make best of it, don't we?"

"That we do."

"I should get back to work. I'm trying to read my way through an endless amount of data concerning the production of antibiotics. In Ancient."

"Before you do can I ask you something about Rush?" Young asked and she nodded hesitantly. "Do you know what happened to his hand?"

"Yeah, Volker told me." TJ looked relieved that it was something she could answer without her conscious biting on her heels.

Young quirked an eyebrow. "Volker? What has he got to do with anything?"

"Apparently he was taking a nap in one of the showers after the infamous party when he heard class breaking. He looked up and saw Rush standing in front of a broken mirror, his hand bleeding. Volker thought Rush looked sad so he decided to hug him."

TJ grinned and Young stared at her in disbelief. "He hugged him? And he was alive to tell the tale?"

"Yeah, but Rush wasn't very happy." TJ chuckled while opening the doors. "I'll radio you if there's any news."

"You do that." Young glanced past her shoulder and saw Rush still sitting against the wall with his eyes closed. TJ nodded and moved towards her desk. Young remained in the doorway for a moment taking in the sight of Rush's sad form before turning on his heel and heading straight for the stone room. There was something he needed to find out.

**To be continued:**

**A/N**: If anyone's interested the Irish comedian mentioned by Rush is Dylan Moran.


	9. What We Do

**Where I Wished Not To Go**

Chapter IX: What We Do

_Turning and turning in the widening gyre  
the falcon cannot hear the falconer;  
Things fall apart; the center cannot hold._

-William Butler Yeats

Young opened his eyes, no the scientists eyes, on Earth. He would never get used to the feeling of being inside someone else's body. Everything from the size and shape of the teeth to the skin itself was alien. The feeling of moles on your back or scars that wasn't yours was equally weird.

Young had arranged to switch with a scientist who needed to visit Destiny. He had spoken to Camile directly after leaving the infirmary the day before. After having walked halfway to the stones room he decided it would probably be better to have a legitimate reason for going back to Earth. Officially he was going to Homeworld Command to leave a report that Scott would otherwise have given. It took him a while and many half-truths to convince Camile to let him take Scott's place. He had wanted to avoid going over her head since they had a workable relationship and he didn't want to jeopardise it. She'd had a lot of questions concerning his dire need to get back to Earth and he had answered them as vaguely as he could.

He rose from the chair and gave his name to a nervous looking airman who nodded and led him to the debriefing room were several IOA and Air Force personnel were waiting. When he walked in he spotted Telford sitting near the end of the long table reading something on a tablet and didn't look up when Young entered.

The meeting dragged on for over an hour and mostly consisted of name calling and awkward silences. Young was on his third cup of coffee, and even Woolsey was beginning to look like he was giving up on life, when the meeting finally ended.

Young followed Telford out the door and into a small kitchen where the latter started going through the cupboards.

"You just gonna stand there or are you gonna help me?" Telford called over his shoulder to where Young stood leaning against the doorway.

"That depends on what are you looking for?" Young had to fight the growing unease inside of him as he studied Telford. He shouldn't get ahead of himself; he had no proof, only a hunch. After all Rush hadn't confirmed anything. Nor had he denied it, Young reminded himself.

"Cheese grater." Telford answered after a pause.

"Can't help you there." Young tried to smile but it came out crooked and false. Telford didn't notice anyway with his head hidden behind a cupboard door.

"Then what good are you?" He could hear Telford smile and Young shrugged to himself.

"I'm great with can openers."

Telford chuckled and ducked his head out of the cupboard. "Seriously, you okay Everett?"

"I'm fine." Young was slightly taken aback by the question. Telford was eying him suspiciously until he broke into another laugh and continued to scavenge through the kitchen in the hunt for the illusive grater.

"It's just…" Young regarded him for a moment before continuing airily, "Rush is being a real pain in the ass and I'm not looking forward to having to deal with him."

"Yeah, that he is." Telford chuckled. "I wish someone would take that guy down a peg or two. But he seems to be immune to both common sense and good ol' military discipline."

"You had a lot of run in's with him on Icarus?" Young narrowed his eyes when Telford stiffened momentarily. "I heard he stabbed you with a pen."

Telford turned around and smirked at him. "Nr 2 pencil, actually. He's a scrappy little bastard, I tell you. Has he been talking about me?"

Young tried to discern if there was any worry in his voice but found only amusement. He was beginning to believe he'd been wrong in his assessment until Telford crossed his arms. There on his left hand, stark in contrast against his skin, was a clear scar unmistakably made by teeth. Young felt dizzy. He should have been wrong. Why hadn't he been wrong?

"Everett?" Telford was talking to him and Young realised he must have been staring at him for quite a while. He pulled himself up and rearranged his face into impassive and asked, "What happened to your hand, David?"

Telford stiffened and looked down on his left hand. "Dog." It took him just a little bit too long to answer.

"That's the best you can come up with?" Young was almost shaking with anger and disappointment at his so called friend.

"What are you talking about, Everett?"

"Cut the crap, David!" Young took a few steps forward and pointed at Telford, wishing he had Rush's deadly glare. "Tell me what the hell happened to your hand! Tell me what you did!"

"I see you have been talking to Rush." Telford snarled and pushed away from the counted he'd been leaning on. "What story's he been feeding you that you're stupid enough to believe?"

"Why don't you tell me? I'm sure your side of it will come off very differently."

"So you believe his lies over me!"

"Well, you haven't said anything yet to believe!" Young yelled. "Why don't you start with telling me whatever story it is that you think he's been lying to me about?"

Telford ducked his head and chuckled. "We had sex. That's all there is to it."

Young started at the bluntness of his words. "That's all, is it?"

"He freaked out in the middle of it so I had to persuade him a bit." Telford sounded cold and remorseless. "Sure, I could have gone easier on him but he didn't really put up a fight."

Young chuckled mirthlessly. He ducked his head and rubbed his chin before fixing his eyes on Telford. He couldn't believe what he was hearing, or how callously it was being told to him. The previous nausea had turned into flaming anger and he couldn't contain it any longer. He gathered all the strength he had and swinged at Telford. Young's fist impacted with Telford's jaw and sent him to the floor.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU FUCKING DID?!" Young roared.

He turned around sharply, afraid he would kill the man if he stayed. His hand felt broken and he would have to remember to apologize to the man whose body he was wearing the next chance he got. But right now all he wanted was to get back to Destiny and just indulge in the need to shield Rush from everything scary and hurtful in the world. He knew Rush would never let him and that he was probably losing his mind, but he didn't care. He just didn't want to leave Rush alone for a second longer then he had to.

He rushed into the stones room without acknowledging the confused look on the airman's face. The moment he sat down he closed his eyes and pulled the stone.

xzxxzxxzx

Rush looked up from his notebook when he heard the doors open. Young barged in with a hectic expression on his face and almost threw himself down on the edge of his bed. Rush frowned and put the book down. Young looked exhausted and on edge.

"What the hell happened to you?"

There seemed to be a poorly concealed internal battle going on inside Young before he answered. "I just spoke to David…and he told me what he did."

Rush turned away, suddenly feeling very hot. His face contorted in concentration and dug his nails into his palms. He would not give anything away, he would not. _I will not break._ Tears were welling up into his eyes and he ducked his head, hoping his hair would hide his treacherous tears. He could not deal with this right now. Young knowing everything somehow made it so much more real and even more painful.

He felt a hand on his and pulled it away with a hiss. The hand did however not relent but held on to him. Rush looked up through his hair and saw Young looking down on him. Young's eyes were kind and worried but showed no pity. He felt another hand curl around his chin and he was once again grateful for his long hair obscuring his face as more tears fell. He let Young pull him into a hug and rested his head on his shoulder.

Rush soon began to feel smothered and pulled out of the embrace. He wiped his tears away angrily and wrapped his arms tight around himself, ignoring the pain shooting through his arm. Young reached out a hand and rested it where his neck and shoulder met, absently rolling a strand of Rush's hair between his fingers. Rush let him, but only because he was too drained to stop him he told himself. In reality he took comfort in the innocent nature of the touch.

"I'm here, Nick." Young said his voice muted and soft. "If you ever want to talk more about what happened or if you just don't want to be alone. I'm not going anywhere." He looked around the room and smiled. "Hell, there is no other place I can go."

"Nice to know." Rush muttered exhaustedly from behind his hair.

"I mean it. And can you please come out from behind there?"

Rush chuckled and shook his hair out of his face. "Happy?"

"Ecstatic." Young said flatly but then smiled at him. "It's nice to see your face again."

"Right…" Rush huffed and flexed his hands uncomfortably. "So, are you gonna tell me what Telford said or am I gonna have to beat it out of you?"

Young looked uncomfortable. "You don't want to know what he said."

"Don't tell me what I do and do not want, Everett."

Young sighed and glanced at Rush who looked somewhere between determined and terrified.

"He basically said it was your own fault." Rush turned his face away sharply and Young sneaked his hand around his neck. "I know it wasn't, Nick. He was just trying to piss me off."

"Did it work?" Rush's voice barely carried the short distance between them.

"It did." Rush glanced at him. "I knocked him out cold; at least I think I did. I had to leave to stop myself from murdering him."

"My hero." Rush snorted while shaking his head incredulously. "Who'd ever have thought we would end up here, eh?"

"Life leads us down strange paths and all you can do is follow."

"How very profound of you." Rush couldn't help himself.

"Don't take the piss. I'm being serious." Young said in mock offence and Rush glared at him before breaking up in laughter and Young soon joined him.

While they laughed it felt like the all their problems melted away and the world became brighter. When they finally had to stop to breathe Rush looked up at him and grinned. The smile subsided and was replaced by a thoughtful expression. He slowly leaned forward and captured Young's lips with his own. Young curled his hands into Rush's hair and relished in the sensation of his soft lips. The kiss was slow and exploring. Young ran his tongue over Rush's uneven teeth and explored the warmth of his mouth. Rush smiled into the kiss and deepened it, their tongues dancing against each other. Eventually they had to come up for air and Rush rested his forehead against Young's. Rush could see TJ quickly looking back down at her paperwork in the corner of his eye, but he didn't care. He felt Young's hands combing through his hair and closed his eyes.

"You know, this is the first time we kissed without me feeling miserable." Rush muttered, opening his eyes.

"That's nice…" Young wasn't sure how he was expected to respond to that comment and Rush sighed. "That it is." He pulled away slightly to look into Young's face.

"I don't love you, Young. I never will." Rush said but was no longer sure if he completely meant it.

"I take what I can get." Young sighed. He didn't look sad or disappointed but a bit hopeful. Maybe he also doubted the truth in Rush's words.

"Ain't that the truth." Rush glanced at Young and decided to at least tell one truth. "But I do need you. I guess you already know that?"

"In the end we always need someone. And if it's any consolation I need you as well."

"For what, though?" Rush smirked.

"I need someone to glare at me and tell me I'm an idiot. If I don't have that I just fall apart."

Rush snorted a punched him lightly on the arm and Young chuckled. He hadn't been this comfortable around anyone for a long time, and that he should be so with Rush surprised him to no end. Young heard a noise to his left and saw TJ picking up a folder that had fallen to the floor. He had completely forgotten she was there. He turned back to Rush who was apparently experiencing something similar judging by the surprised and slightly scowling look on his face.

"So how long is TJ gonna keep you in here?"

"Only until I break out or the next time something explodes. We'll see which comes first. Eli apparently has a bet going on with Brody according to Chloe."

"Which do you think?" Young grinned.

"It's about fifty-fifty right now I think. This seems to be a rather quiet bit of space we're in right now."

"Hey, don't jinx it!"

"I'm afraid I rather don't believe in that."

"Me neither, but you can never be too careful."

"You know Telford's not gonna let this go just like that."

"What?" Young said, completely thrown by the turn the conversation had taken.

"You said you punched him." Rush clarified with a hint of annoyance. "Public humiliation is not something he looks kindly on."

"I can deal with whatever Telford throws at me; you don't have to worry about that."

"I don't need you to protect me from him, Colonel." Rush snarled, though there wasn't much poison in his voice and he didn't shrug Young's hand off.

"Everett, not Colonel." Rush glared at him and Young continued. "And I know that you can take care of yourself in every regard except for sleeping, eating and tending to wounds."

"So, we're back to that now are we…Everett?" Rush growled while pulling Young's hand out of his hair.

"My point is that I know I don't need to protect you, but that I want to. I never want him to come anywhere near you again."

"Well, we're on the other side of the universe so that shouldn't be too hard."

Rush sighed and decided to put the conversation on hold for now. He wasn't entirely comfortable with the fair-maiden-in-need-of-rescue role that Young had assigned to him, but it still felt good to know that somebody had his back. Though it still felt a bit strange that the somebody was Young, who had once left him to die on a desert planet what felt like only a short time ago. He still wasn't entirely sure what was going on between them, all he knew was that he wanted more of it. And that terrified him.

**To be continued**:


	10. Finding or Losing

**Where I Wished Not To Go**

Chapter X: Finding or Losing

_O wad some Power the giftie gie us  
To see oursels as ithers see us!  
It wad frae monie a blunder free us,  
An' foolish notion:  
What airs in dress an' gait wad lea'e us,  
An' ev'n devotion!_

-Robert Burns

It took Rush another three days to break out of the infirmary and Eli won the very important bet of five Q-tips. In all honesty, Rush didn't break out as much as was released by a very annoyed TJ. Rush had started climbing the walls within an hour after his and Young's talk and had soon thrown all social niceties out the window in his desperation to do something, anything other than lying on a bed recovering. Young, Chloe and Eli had visited frequently but that only appeared to make matters worse since Rush seemed to think they were mocking him with their freedom. TJ finally had enough of the constant verbal assaults and realised that Rush would probably get more rest sitting in front of a console than badgering her. Rush unsurprisingly agreed and was out the door within seconds.

But instead of going to the core room or the bridge he headed to the nearest shower. He made a pit stop to his quarters and picked up his bag with his only other change of clothes. When he got to the showers the first thing he did was lock the door. When he turned around he saw his reflection in the cracked glass he sighed and pulled at his wild hair. He should have brought a comb, but then he didn't really care if he looked like a hobo as long as he didn't smell like one. He scratched his beard absently and deciding it had grown much to long dug out a pair of scissors from his bag that he had found discarded in a hallway his first week on Destiny. It wasn't really stealing he had told himself, and if it was that didn't really bother him either. As a kid in Glasgow he had stolen almost daily to survive. It was quite similar here on Destiny, he reflected. Only a wee bit more civilised.

With his beard trimmed down to mere stubble he slipped out of his jeans and then carefully pulled the blood stained t-shirt over his head. He wished he could throw it away but he only had one more t-shirt other than the white one. His arm still hurt and didn't feel like it had healed much at all. He stared at the bandage and then inspected the rest of his body in the mirror, wondering what Young could find so attractive about him. He was pale from the lack of sunshine and he could see his ribs through the skin. His muscle tone was surprisingly good for someone with such a stationary lifestyle, but then again he spent quite a lot of time crawling through air ducts and inside walls or running down Destiny's halls, usually in the direction of some imminent danger.

Rush ran his hand through his hair before walking into the shower. It took some effort not getting so much of the mist on his bandaged arm but in the end it was only slightly drier than the rest of him. If it weren't for the uncomfortable angle his arm was in he wouldn't have minded staying in there the rest of the day. The last three days had been to quiet, like the calm before the storm, and he knew the walls were about to come tumbling down. No peace could last forever.

xzxxzxxzx

Rush had been working in the core room for half an hour when Eli, Volker, Brody and Park came in. Park and Volker were holding hand and the moment they came through the door she waved her hand in his direction, displaying a golden ring with a strass diamond scavenged from someone's earring. Though she was blind she always seemed to know who and where everyone was.

"Doctor Rush, I'm getting married!" She chirped happily. "Married to my lovely boys!"

"So I've heard. Congratulations, Doctor Park." Rush mustered up a smile, hoping that if he was polite they'd go away sooner.

Eli, Volker and Brody looked at him almost suspiciously but Park just smiled wider. She bounded up to the console and hugged him. Rush momentarily froze, but relaxed when he realised that he didn't feel threatened by her. He hugged he back briefly and heard Eli mutter something to Brody that sounded like, "I guess he likes her better than me." Park released him and he was about to bark at Eli to get back to work when Lieutenant Scott appeared in the doorway. Only it wasn't Lieutenant Scott, it was Telford. Rush drew in a sharp breath and rose from his chair by the console.

"Hey, Matt! Have you heard the news?" Eli called happily.

"I'm not Lieutenant Scott. I'm Colonel Telford." He looked from Rush to Eli and then back again. "Eli, could you give us a minute alone?"

Before Eli could answer Rush growled feeling threatened, "Anything you want to say to me you can say in front of them."

"Oh, are you all such good friends now, Nick?" Telford mocked but Rush didn't reply. He couldn't tell him that he just really didn't want to be alone with him so instead he said, "How many times do I have to tell you to stop calling me that."

Telford's anger flared and he took a few steps forward. "I'll call you whatever the hell I like, Nick!" He smirked. "What are you gonna do? Stab me with a pencil again?"

Rush stood his ground and looked up at the face he hated. "No, I thought maybe I'd drain the atmosphere in whatever room you're occupying. You didn't like being suffocated the last time, did you?"

"As I recall we shared that little experience, didn't we Nick?" Telford took another step forward and reached out his hand. Rush couldn't help but to take a step back. Telford chuckled. "But then again you always liked having me inside you."

Rush reacted on instinct and slapped Telford as hard as he could. It was more an attempt at humiliating Telford than harming him. Eli, Park, Brody and Volker all flinched but Telford just grinned wider. Telford took another step forward and placed a hand on Rush's cheek; a gentle touch that sent waves of nausea through his system. Rush swapped his hand away. Telford smirked again before clenching his hand into a fist and hit Rush hard in the face. Rush lost his footing and had to brace himself against the console to stop himself from crashing to the floor.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Eli yelled and stepped between them. Rush cradled his jaw, feeling blood trickle down from his split lip. He laughed mirthlessly and fixed his eyes on Telford with a pitiless stare. "You're pathetic?"

Telford snarled and made to move against Rush again when a voice called from the doorway, "What's going on in here?"

Greer stared at the scene in front of him from the doorway and Eli released a sigh of relief.

"Telford just punched Rush!"

Greer eyed them wearily. "Did he deserve it?"

"NO!" Came a chorus of Eli, Volker, Park and Brody.

Greer looked from Rush holding on to the console bleeding to Telford standing smugly before him. "I guess you're coming with me, Colonel."

"You've got to be joking?" Telford snarled.

"I'm afraid not, Colonel." There was an edge to Greer's voice. "I can't have you walking around assaulting civilians on my watch. Rush may be a bit of a bastard but he is one of my people, and you are not. So, you're going to the brig. Sir." He added the last rather distastefully.

Telford turned around and smirked derisively at Rush and Rush glared back at him, refusing to show any weakness. Telford was led away by Greer who on his way out squeezed Park's shoulder. When they rounded the corner Rush heard Greer telling Telford he was getting hitched.

Rush straightened up and moved back behind the console, ignoring the looks he got from the others. Eli was the first to crack under the silence and he took a few hesitant steps towards Rush who continued to pretend he wasn't there in favour of going through some encoded date.

"Hey, Rush are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine." _Go away, Eli_.

"What did he mean by that…inside you stuff?" The room took a collective breath but Rush continued to stubbornly ignore Eli.

"Rush, what did he mean by…?"

"What the hell do you think he meant?" Rush finally looked up from his work, his eyes darker and angrier then Eli had ever seen them. Poison laced every word and Eli took a step back. "Are you really that fucking naïve, you idiot child!"

Rush slammed his hands against the console making them all jump before storming out of the room. They backed out of his way and as soon as he rounded the corner Brody walked up and smacked Eli on the back of the head.

"Ow!" Eli yelled, rubbing the back of his head and glaring at Brody. "What was that for?"

"Guess." Brody said angrily. "Nice job, Eli. Real stellar work, I couldn't have done worse if I tried."

"I only asked him a question!" Eli shot back. "It's not like I intended to freak him out!"

"Yeah, 'cause real personal questions never freak anyone out." Park said while hooking her arm around Volker's. "You'd better find him and apologise."

"No, thank you, I'm not suicidal. I haven't made it this far just to let Rush murder me over some stupid question!"

"You're right, it was stupid." Volker injected.

"Why is everyone ganging up on me?" Eli yelled. "I'm not the one who took a swing at him."

"Yeah, but it was a really stupid question." Volker repeated, smirking a bit now.

"I think I hate Telford." Park muttered.

"You're not alone in that sentiment." Brody said from behind the console Rush had vacated. "You did get what Rush was implying right? Or do I have to spell it out for you."

"I think I got the jest." Eli made a face and headed towards the door with the others. "I really don't like Telford."

xzxxzxxzx

Rush was pacing his room fighting the growing sense of dread taking hold of him. He kept wiping at the place on his face with his sleeve where Telford had touched him. His cut lip and the pain didn't bother him half as much as the memory of that gentle touch. There was a knock on the door and he startled. He recognized that knock at once. It was Young.

He stopped his pacing and moved to open the door but hesitated before doing so. When had he become so dependent on Young? The knock sounded again and Rush concluded that he really didn't care and only wanted the comfort and warmth offered by the other man. He palmed the door release and took a step back allowing Young in. Young stared at him for a moment before entering. The door closed behind him and he tentatively reached out his hand and placed it gently on Rush's chin. He carefully lifted his chin up and Rush moved his head away. Young sighed and curled his hand up in Rush's hair instead.

"I'm gonna ask what you hate to be asked, so be warned." Young said frowning. "Are you okay, Nick?"

Rush glared at him before rolling his eyes. "Yes, Everett, I'm perfectly fine. Now you can fuck off and do whatever it is you should be doing."

Young's frown deepened as Rush moved over and sat down on the edge of his bed and buried his face in his hands. "Do you want me to go?" asked Young.

"No." Rush looked up at him as Young sat down next to him. "So, where's Telford?"

"Back on Earth." Young answered and anger flared in him at the thought of Telford sneaking aboard to get revenge for something he did by taking it out on Rush. "In a holding cell I hope. I heard it got pretty intense until Greer came along."

Rush glanced at him, not without a little annoyance, but then his eyes calmed. "Aye, it was. Eli and the kids looked right freaked. Good thing Greer turned up when he did."

"The 'kids'?" Young smirked.

Rush shrugged, a smile tugging on his lips. "Well, they don't quite count as grownups do they?"

Young laughed and reached over and took Rush's hand. Rush looked from their interlaced fingers to Young's lips and kissed him. It was a chaste kiss, almost habitual and Young liked it very much. It felt like home. Rush pulled his hand free and kicked of his boots and curled up on the bed away from Young.

"Do you want me to leave?" Young asked again, hoping the answer would be no.

"Nope." Rush answered without looking at him. Young smiled and kicked of his own boots.

"I'm not having sex with you." Rush said looking over his shoulder at Young.

Young lay down next to him, close but not quite touching. "I wasn't gonna ask you too." Rush's shoulders relaxed a bit but still looked tense. "I'm not going to hurt you Nick. Telford is billions of miles away and you're safe."

Rush slowly relaxed but knew he'd wouldn't get any sleep that night. He felt safer with Young than with most people, but not that safe. He closed his eyes and listened to the sound of Young's heavy breathing and Destiny's soft humming. Rush was soon dreaming.

**To be continued**:


	11. Distant Deeps or Skies

**Where I Wished Not To Go**

Chapter XI: Distant Deeps or Skies

"_It is sometimes a mistake to climb;_

_it is always a mistake never even to make the attempt._

_If you do not climb, you will not fall._

_This is true. But is it that bad to fail, that hard to fall?"_

-Neil Gaiman

"_Stop moving, Nick!" he whispered into the nape of his neck, sending shivers of unease down Rush's spine. "Try to relax instead and it won't hurt." _

_The heavy body pressed down against his naked form and it felt like he was suffocating. Hands and lips and an unmistakable hardness against his back. Moist breath blowing through his hair and whispers in his ear. Equations, blame and someone crying in the distance. The bed was cold and felt like an examination table. _

_He could feel movement around him. He knew that if he opened his eyes he would see shadows moving in the desert. No winds reached him and no sound outside the breathing in his ear. Hands strong and cold pried him open and pain blossomed throughout his body. The fingers were replaced by an organ and he was ripped in two. He screamed against the hand covering his mouth. Or maybe it was someone else screaming far away in the desert. The sound was distant and echoed against the frozen walls. Something was moving in the desert. He bit down but the hand had turned into blue steel and he felt his teeth break. _

Rush shot up of the bed clutching his heart, feeling like he was about to have a heart attack. He could hardly breathe for the sobs racking through his body.

"Nick, you alright?" Young sounded groggy and half asleep behind him.

"Fuck off Young!" Rush curled around himself, suddenly freezing. He was thankful for the dark hiding his drying tears.

Young sat up behind him. "Should I take that as a no?"

Young carefully wrapped an arm around his shoulders and Rush supressed the urge to shrug it off. But the arm was warm and strangely calming so instead he leaned into the embrace. He felt Young's chest against his back, and unlike the dream no dread or fear the sensation brought, only calm and a promise of safety. Rush once again found himself thinking, _how did I end up here?_

"Bad dream?" Young asked and wrapped his other arm around Rush's stomach.

"What gave it away?" Rush muttered ironically and shut his eyes.

"You want to talk about it?"

Rush was surprised to find himself actually considering it. He wondered how long it would take for Young to say he'd had enough of Rush's problems and go back to dealing with his own. That Rush didn't want Young to go away was another thing that surprised him.

"It was a dream." Rush shrugged. "That's all."

"About what happened?" Young pushed gently.

"You're gonna have to be more specific, Everett. There's been a lot of 'happened' the last few years."

Rush could feel Young grow still and wary behind his back before answering. "About the rape."

Rush snapped his eyes open at the word. Rush never called it that, only the 'incident' or the 'event'. Hearing the actual word and the truth of it made him feel heavy and exposed. He shifted uncomfortably in Young's arms.

"Don't…don't call it that."

"It's what it was, Nick." Young said quietly before pressing a kiss to Rush's hair. "And none of it was your fault. I hope you realise that."

"Of course I do." Rush muttered even though he could tell by Young's slight facial movement against the back of his head that he didn't quite believe him. "Okay, I'm working on it!"

"You do whatever you need to do to feel better." Rush suspected murdering Telford wasn't included in that statement. "And I'll be here with you, to see how it all plays out and make sure that we both make it through this alive."

"And then what?" Rush held his breath. "When all of this is over and done with; then what will you do?"

Rush could feel Young smile against his hair. "We'll never be done, Nick."

xzxxzxxzx

Young woke up late the next morning and Rush had already gone. He wasn't surprised by this but a bit disappointed. They had fallen asleep curled up around each other. Young already missed the warmth and the presence of another so close to him. He wished Rush would talk to him about his dreams but he knew that pushing him would only do the opposite. To try and make Rush do anything he didn't want to seemed like a really bad idea at the time.

Young pushed off the bed and searched the floor for his boots, finding them halfway under the bed. A part of him wondered if Rush had deliberately kicked them in under there. He smirked at the possibility and wouldn't rule it out until he had proof of otherwise. He left Rush's quarters and set of down the corridor. As soon as he rounder a corner he just avoided crashing into Camile.

"Everett, just the man I wanted to see." She had a cold professional vibe about her and Young knew she was upset about something. "I tried to radio you but all I got was static."

"I accidentally turned it off." Young lied. "What's up?"

"I heard about the incident between Rush and Telford yesterday. You are going to have to report back about it to Homeworld."

"I know," Young supressed a sigh. "O'Neill's gonna want the whole story and I can't give it to him."

"Why not?" They began walking towards the mess and breakfast.

"It's not mine to tell."

Camile frowned. "I ran into Telford yesterday. He was livid. Told me you assaulted him."

"I did."

"Why?" Camile asked exasperatedly.

"It's complicated and frankly none of your business." Young was beginning to have to rein in his anger. It wasn't her he was angry about, but the whole situation and Telford in particular. "I'm sorry. Camile. It's just been a long few weeks."

"I know the feeling." She was looking at her feet with a dismal expression on her face.

"How's it going with Shannon?"

"Good." She answered quickly. "Or very bad depending on whom you ask."

Young frowned and waited for her to elaborate.

"She met someone else just recently. They…fell in love, I guess."

"I still don't see the good part."

Camile smiled sadly. "Shannon said that when we met all these old feelings came crashing back and now she doesn't know what she wants. We're meeting for lunch today to talk things over." She sighed. "It's all very complicated."

"There's a lot of that going around of late."

Young and Camile shared a quite breakfast consisting of moop and a cup of mystery herbal tea, which tasted like a mix between camomile and nettles, before setting off to the stone room. Young told Scott to pull the stones in the unlikely event that he switched with Telford. Scott nodded and Young and Camile sat down and activated the stones.

Young opened his eyes on Earth and found that he was in the same scientist's body as the last time. This puzzled him until he moved his right hand and a sharp pain went up the length of his arm. He looked down and saw a post-it note stuck to his hand which read, _"Have fun. No painkillers. They make me loopy." _Young huffed and got a sympathetic look from Camile before she went out the door. Young sighed and followed an airman to O'Neill's office.

O'Neill looked up from a folder on his desk when Young closed the door behind him. His desk was covered in piles of paper and multitude of different coloured folders. He wasn't quite scowling but it was well under way when he looked at Young.

"Have a seat, Colonel." O'Neill gathered his paperwork and clasped his hands. "So…tell me what's going on, Young."

"It's a long story, sir."

"Well, I have all day. This paperwork isn't going anywhere."

Young wasn't sure of how much to tell him. He knew he should tell him the truth but he also knew he had no right to. Rush had told him and only him and he didn't want to betray that trust.

O'Neill was getting impatient. "I take it this is about Rush?"

Young nodded. "There was an incident between him and Telford back at Icarus that I just found out about."

"What kind of incident?"

"I'm sorry sir, but I can't tell you that."

O'Neill raised his hand and sighed, "Everett, I get it if you want to protect Rush, but you're gonna have to tell me what's going on between them."

"All I can say is that something bad happened." Young answered, keeping his gaze steady and resolute.

O'Neill glared at him when he didn't elaborate further. "I take it this 'bad thing' was bad enough to deserve a broken jaw."

Young nodded again. "Yes sir."

"So, Telford hurt Rush?"

"Yes sir."

"Bad enough for you to go Rambo on his ass?" O'Neill asked dryly.

"Yes sir." Young was beginning to feel very tired and on edge. "Telford…hurt him very bad."

O'Neill nodded and Young left him to draw his own conclusions.

"I heard Rush and Telford had quite a fight yesterday."

"Not really a fight, sir." Young felt his anger flare but kept it under lid, wondering what Telford had told him. "Telford attacked him."

"From what I heard Rush threw the first punch." O'Neill quirked an eyebrow.

"It wasn't as much a punch as a slap." Young replied coldly.

"I bet Telford loved that." O'Neill smirked and some of the weight lifted off Young's chest. "I'm gonna need you to file an incident report and we'll see what disciplinary actions must be taken against Colonel Telford. If any."

"I'll get on that, sir." Young felt like the air was being let back into the room and unclenched his hands that he had been unaware of balling into fists.

O'Neill steepled his fingers under his chin, "I suppose there is no chance Rush will tell me about this incident on Icarus if I were to, say, ask him."

"Very unlikely."

"I thought so." O'Neill gathered the folder back into his hands and looked at Young over the edge. "Is there anything else I should know about?"

Young thought for a moment. "Doctor Park is marrying Sergeant Greer…"

"Well, that's excellent news!"

"And Doctor Volker."

O'Neill frowned but then snorted. "Whatever you guys get up to is fine with me, Colonel. I'm just not sure the IOA is gonna see it that way. Those guys are sticklers for protocol."

"Wray is talking to them now to get their say-so." Young smirked. "But we're going through with it even if they say no, so what the hell."

"Give them my regards," O'Neill rose from behind the desk and Young did the same. "And Everett try not to get into any more fights with Telford."

O'Neill reached out his hand and Young took it. "I'll do my best sir."

"That's all I needed to hear." O'Neill said and dismissed Young with a tilt of his head towards the door. Young left him to his mountain of paperwork and asked the airman who had taken him to O'Neill if he could borrow an empty office to write with his report.

He knew Camile would be gone long with the IOA meeting and then going to lunch with Shannon, so he'd have plenty of time to write everything down. And he was going to need it because it would take him a while to write with his left hand even though he was using a computer. And that it did. By the time he was done he really wanted to get back to Destiny and away from the scientist's broken hand. He also wanted to find Rush and force him to spend some time with him instead of working himself into an early grave.

**To be continued**:


	12. Thorns

**Where I Wished Not To Go**

Chapter XII: Thorns

"_Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?  
That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.  
I don't much care where.  
Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.  
...So long as I get somewhere.  
Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough."_

-Lewis Carol

Young was breathing heavily in sleep. Rush watched him slumber while fiddling absently with a lock of his overgrown hair. Young slept with his head on Rush's shoulder and had an arm around his waist. Rush hadn't slept since the nightmare but still felt surprisingly well-rested. Young was heavy lying more or less on top of him but wasn't suffocating. It felt strange to be touched in a none-sexual sense.

Even before the incident he had always found being touched uncomfortable. He suspected it derived from very rarely being touched at all as a kid. A hug once or twice a year or a pat on the back was all he could remember in the way of touching as a child. Being touched had only become a part of his life when he reached adolescence and got his first girlfriend. Even then it had made him feel funny, and not in a good way. It felt intrusive and unwelcomed. When Young touched him there was a similar feeling but also desire. A need to be touched even though it made him uncomfortable and he didn't know how to react to that. He knew Young secretly wanted more from him than this, he could feel it against his leg, and he was amazed to find that he might be willing to give it.

The room was getting too hot and Rush needed to get out. He needed to work and distract himself from the battle between fear and desire going on inside his head. He carefully unhooked Young's arm and slowly scooted out from under him. Young grumbled something in his sleep and clasped his hand on Rush's thigh. His grip was possessive and almost painful and Rush fought a wave of panic rushing through his system. He shut his eyes against the memory of Telford's hands gripping his thighs and pulling them apart and fought the nausea the memory brought with it.

"Everett let go!" He hissed in Young's ear and to his amazement the hand loosened its grip. Rush stared at the sleeping man with a mixture of wonder and annoyance. He got up from the bed and stumbled on Young's boots and swore silently. Seeing it as a fitting punishment he kicked them in under the bed. He stepped into his own boots, deciding to lace them up far away from Young, and set off down the corridor towards the bridge. His shift didn't begin for another hour but he was sure that Eli wouldn't mind getting back to doing whatever it was he usually did when he was supposed to be working.

Rush stepped onto the bridge and saw Eli slumped over a console with an alarm blinking red right next to his nose. Rush walked up to him and heard he was snoring.

Rush sighed and yelled, "Eli!"

Eli shot up out of the chair and immediately began pressing buttons and the alarm stopped. When he was done he leaned back over the console and yawned widely. He dragged his hand over his face before turning around and glaring at Rush.

"You didn't have to yell! I'm right here, not on the other side of the ship."

"You were asleep on duty and you were draining air out of the dome room. I was well within my rights to yell at you."

Eli sighed miserably. "But you didn't have to do it so loudly."

"Do I need to explain the principle of yelling to you, Eli?" Rush sat down at his usual console and began going through data.

"No, I'm good." Eli rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. "Why are you here so early anyway? Shouldn't you be asleep like everybody else?"

"I woke up," replied Rush, not looking up from his work.

"Most informative, Rush." Eli glanced at him but Rush continued to study the console, not in the mood for small talk. He could sense Eli was about to say something he'd been holding back for an extensive amount of time, so Rush sighed and faced him.

"What is it Eli?"

Eli was fidgeting with his sleeve. "I just wanted to say I was sorry about being so nosy yesterday about Telford and everything. I didn't mean to upset you or anything."

Rush frowned and turned back to the console, not sure of what to say, but before he could reply he was saved by Chloe who barged into the room. She looked out of breath and was positively hyperventilating.

"Oh, thank God, Rush you're here!" She called while climbing down the stairs. "I checked the core room, your crazy hall and the Gateroom but you weren't there. My next stop was gonna be your quarters but then you never sleep so…"

"Chloe, I take it something's happened?" Rush asked, getting slightly concerned that something bad had happened to get her in such a state. She didn't answer but instead slumped down into the command chair.

Eli waved his hand to get her attention. "I'm also here if you need me for something."

"Oh, that's so sweet, Eli." She smiled breathlessly. "But I need you to go away now, 'cause I need to talk to Rush alone."

"Okay, that's nice." Eli said, affronted. "I'll see you later then."

Eli slouched out, his shoulders hunched and glancing back at them. Chloe stared after him until he closed the door and she turned back to Rush who turned his chair to face her. She took one last deep breath.

"I'm pregnant."

"Congratulations."

"Thanks."

"Who's the father?"

"Matt."

Rush frowned, not sure what else to say in these kinds of situations. "So why aren't you telling him?"

Concern shone from her eyes. "I'm worried there's something wrong with the baby."

Realization hit him. "Because of the Nakai and what they did to you?"

"Yes," she looked close to tears. "Are you sure the changes they made to me are really gone? I don't want my child to be part alien or have a telepathic link with them or just be plain evil."

Rush sighed, thinking she'd seen to many movies. "I can't promise you anything on a genetic level, but I can tell you that it will not be mentally linked to the aliens. As far as I know such connections require implants or extensive genetic modifications and you weren't pregnant when they took you. There's no reason to believe that what they did, or did not do, would have any effect on your not yet conceived child." He smiled at her sadly, hoping to at least give her some comfort. "I can assure you that the child will be mentally sound even if it comes out with a tail."

She laughed, tears falling from her eyes. "I've always liked tails."

Rush couldn't help himself and started laughing as well. They laughed together until they needed air and Chloe leaned back against the command chair exhausted.

"Are you gonna tell Matt?" Rush asked. He rested his chin against his hand but hissed when he touched the bruise left by Telford's fist.

"Soon." She looked up at him. "Rush, can I ask you something?"

He sighed. "If you must."

"Can I call you Nick?"

He looked up at her surprised and saw her looking at him expectantly. "Sure."

She smiled down at him but then frowned. "Can I ask you about Telford?"

Rush looked away and dragged his hand through his hair before resting it over his mouth. "If you must." He repeated, not looking at her.

"Eli told me what happened." She swallowed audibly. "Where you and Telford together at some point? It's okay if you were, I was just wouldn't have expected it."

Rush shut his eyes momentarily. "We were. In a sense." He pulled his notebook out of his pocket and flipped through it haphazardly.

"What happened?"

He stopped flipping through his notes and glanced at her. She was leaning forward in the chair, looking both concerned and curious. He looked back down to his notebook in his lap.

"Nothing happened." Even to him the lie sounded weak.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

He looked up hesitantly. "There was an incident. Things got violent and I…let's just say I didn't come out on top."

"He hurt you?" Chloe gripped the edges of the seat and looked concerned.

Rush bowed his head, letting his hair tumble down about his face, and muttered to the notebook. "Yes, he hurt me."

He could hear Chloe shift a bit in her chair and the next he knew she was kneeling in front of him.

"You know I stopped blaming you for my father's death a long time ago. I always knew that he was dying but I just needed someone to blame. Just like you said." She smiled faintly. "I just wanted you to know that."

"Thank you, Chloe." He smiled weakly from behind his curtain of hair and she squeezed his hand before getting up. He thought she'd go back to the chair but instead she leaned against the console next to him.

He gazed up at her and she smiled. "I heard you and the Colonel are getting along better."

"Heard from whom?"

"TJ," Chloe grinned and Rush scowled. "She tells me you and Young kissed in the infirmary."

"There are a lot of big mouths on this ship."

"So you're not denying it?" She teased.

"Nothing much to deny." Rush said bluntly. "It happened and I'm sure it'll happen again."

Chloe got something playful in her eyes. "Is he a good kisser?"

"Adequate." Rush smirked and Chloe giggled excitedly.

"Matt was like that in the beginning as well, 'adequate'. But I soon got him trained and now he's perfect." Chloe joked and tapped him lightly on the arm. "You'll have him up to scratch in no time."

Rush chuckled but then said fairly abruptly, "I really need to get back to work, Chloe."

"No problem," Chloe pushed away from the console. She knew him well enough to know he didn't mean any harm with his curt tone, but that it was just his way of expressing himself. "I need to break the news to Matt anyway. Wish me luck?"

"Good luck." He smiled at her as she left and then returned to work, wondering what other strange tidings the day might bring.

xzxxzxxzx

Rush was allowed to work more or less in peace for another six hours in the core room after his bridge shift was over. The only disturbance had been Barnes who TJ had sent with lunch knowing that he would either forget or ignore the need to eat. She had left the bowl on the console he'd been working at. He'd scowled but she smiled and went back to her duties, leaving him to try and eat the disgusting moop unless he wanted to spend the rest of the day dodging TJ.

Brody had joined him in the core room about an hour after he'd arrived. Rush appreciated Brody's company more too some extent than say Eli's or Volker's. Brody wasn't one for small talk and when he did open his mouth it was only to ask work related questions. The relatively comfortably quiet was broken when there was a knock on the wall next to the open door. Rush glanced up and saw Young leaning on the doorframe with that strange look on his face, similar to the one he'd had watching Rush step out of the stasis pod.

"See something you like?" Rush asked with a smirk.

Young grinned and quirked an eyebrow.

Brody looked uncomfortable. "I'll leave you guys to talk."

He backed out of the room while shooting them suspicious glances. Rush stepped away from the console and leaned against the doorway next to Young when Brody disappeared from view. Rush took in Young's general appearance. He looked a bit stressed but otherwise in a fairly good mood. Rush reached out and straightened Young's lapel, not really putting much thought into the action.

Young looked up surprised. "What was that for?"

"Nothing." Rush shrugged but left his hand resting on Young's shoulder. "Weird day is all."

"Something you feel like sharing?"

"It's all about sharing with you, isn't it?" Rush sniped. "No, if you want that story you're gonna have to talk to Chloe."

"I'll ask her after the wedding."

Rush frowned. "So, we're having a wedding, are we?"

"Yep, in a week. Camile said the IOA gave the green light, not that it had mattered much if they'd said no. Apparently our happy couple…" Young stopped to think of a better name for Park, Greer and Volker's relationship. "…trinity have Woolsey to thank."

"Woolsey?" Rush frowned. "Who'd ever penned him as the controversial type?"

Young chuckled. "You should say that name more often. With your accent it sounds pretty amazing."

"Oh, fuck off Young!" Rush growled without much venom, only making Young grin wider.

Rush leaned his head against the doorframe and pulled his hand away but Young caught it midway. Standing in the doorway holding hands reminded Rush of old songs from his childhood. Tales of lost love and renewed romances. The thought was absurd and Rush smiled inwardly. Young squeezed his hand gently and pulled it to him. Young placed a kiss on his scarred knuckles. Rush pulled his hand free and rested it on Young's cheek, slowly caressing the soft skin under his eye, before leaning in and capturing his lips in a soft kiss. Rush cherished these moments of softness between them, so different from what the used to have. Young kissed him back passionately and threaded his fingers through Rush's hair.

"Oh God!" A voice exclaimed from somewhere beside them. Rush broke the kiss in time to see Eli duck around the corner with his eyes covered. "Sorry! Didn't know anyone was here… kissing."

Young sighed and uncurled his hands from Rush's hair, earning him a look of upmost displeasure. Rush glared at him, wishing he could go back in time and lock the door. Young had a similar look to him. Rush shoved away from him angrily and crossed his arms, glaring at the corner where he knew Eli was hiding.

"You can come out now, Eli." Young said, doing an amazing job at not sounding as enraged as he Rush knew he was.

"Are you sure?" Eli called from his hideout. "'Cause that really reminded me of a very traumatizing thing I saw my mother doing with her boyfriend."

_I'm not your mother and Young is not my boyfriend_, Rush suppressed the urge to yell. Instead he growled, "Eli, what do you want?"

Eli peaked around the corner before stepping out and meeting them in the doorway, avoiding their scowling eyes. "I left my favorite kino in there."

Eli pushed passed them and Rush and Young locked eyes. "You play chess, right?" Rush asked somewhat hasted.

Young nodded. "I'd love a game."

"Good. See you tonight then?" Rush asked breathlessly. "I have to work now."

"Yeah, me to." Young said equally breathlessly. "I'll see you tonight."

Rush nodded and parted ways down the corridor, hearing Eli shout excitedly behind them, "I found it!"

**To be continued**


	13. Glad Grace

**Where I Wished Not To Go**

Chapter XIII: Glad Grace

_I think maybe Hell is a place._

_But you don't have to stay anywhere forever._

-Neil Gaiman

The week passed in a haze of chess and wedding plans for Young. Luck, or Rush, had been on their side and Destiny had found them a planet with vast blue oceans and scattered with little sandy islands on the day before the wedding. Brody had been put to work fashioning fishing hooks out of pieces of Destiny and wiring while James had volunteered to go around and collect string from wherever she could find it. The only thing out of bounds was the rope that had saved Young and Rush from the cave, seeing as it could come of use again in a similar capacity. Eli had scanned the ocean for life and discovered large shoals of reasonably sized fish swimming around. They might not be able to get a cake for the wedding but Young would be damned if they had to eat moop. Once five fishing poles were put together Young gathered a team with fishing experience and sent them down to the planet. The planet had a surreal element to it with its small yellow islands and clear blue waters. It seemed to only house small aquatic life forms and appeared to be safe enough. Another trip had been planned after the wedding to get people out in the sun and off the ship for a little while.

Chloe, Camile and Varro had ganged together to try and make something like to a veil and a dress out of sheets and the fishing team had been ordered to find something reasonably similar to flowers on the island. Chloe was climbing the walls and Young suspected it had more to do with whatever secret she was carrying than the upcoming wedding. She would switch from exited to worried to serene, and Young had had no luck fishing an answer out of Rush. He didn't want to ask Chloe until she was ready to tell him since the mystery seemed to be more personal than relating to any immediate danger to ship or crew.

Young and Rush hadn't had a fight in days and they had been getting increasingly comfortable together until Rush suddenly had begun disappearing into the bowels of the ship again with a shifty look on his face. Young was surprised and a little bit annoyed since they'd been getting along much better of late, talking about the ship and the mission and other important things that didn't relate to Telford, when Rush had suddenly gotten that fearful look in his eyes that Young hated and took off in the middle of a chess game with a weak excuse about needing to recalibrate some numbers with Eli. Rush had left before Young could get another word out and disappeared.

TJ had once suggested that Rush might have PTSD but Young had blown her off at the time, saying that Rush was just a jerk in the need of a good asskicking. But now he was beginning to think differently since a lot of Rush's behaviour could then be explained by the symptoms of posttraumatic stress. As long as Young had known him Rush had been introverted, irritable and hypervigilant and had always been self-destructive to the point of not caring whether he lived through the day when it came to things he'd set his mind on. Young didn't know if Rush opening up to him was a sign of progress or just that he was simply giving up. Rush had never been one for sharing and pretty much everything Young knew about him other than the rape was what other people had told him. Greer had told him he grew up in Glasgow and he had found out about Rush's late wife from Camile. Eli had told him Rush was a professor which was something Young had a hard time imagining, seeing how Rush was to Eli and anyone else who annoyed him. Which was everybody, as Eli helpfully pointed out.

Young set off to the observation deck, which he knew was one of the least likely places to find Rush in this time of day, which in turn made it the most likely. He palmed the panel and when the door opened he supressed a chuckle for being right. The room was empty except for Rush who sat at one of the far tables playing a solitary game of chess and didn't acknowledge Young's presence, although Young was sure Rush knew he was there. Young walked up to him and leaned against the table while Rush was pointedly staring at one of his chess pieces. Young sighed and sat down facing him and Rush looked up glaring.

"Don't you have a pointless fishing expedition to take care of?" Rush sneered while twirling the chess piece, a knight, between his fingers.

"They're already away," Young answered slowly, taking in Rush's appearance. He looked tired again, always tired. "If we're lucky we'll have something other than moop on the big day for the happy trinity."

"Good for them," Rush sounded rather desolate.

"Yeah, good for them," Young tried and failed to catch Rush's eye. "What's wrong with you?"

"Oh, that's subtle!" Rush snarled and fastened him with a fiery glare. "Where would you like to start? With the death of Gloria or Mandy or how about an account of my childhood growing up piss poor or how about being fucking raped…" Rush dropped the chess piece when he brought his hand to his mouth and looked away from Young, blushing with anger and embarrassment. He shook his head slowly at himself and Young reached out a hand to hold it on his but Rush pulled his hand away with a snarl. "Don't touch me."

"It's okay. Everything's okay, Nick." Young pulled his hand away, unsure of what to say or what had caused Rush's reaction. "You don't have to tell me or do anything you don't want to."

"That's a new one." Rush laughed mirthlessly. "As I remember it, the rules were always 'my way or the highway.'"

"I'm making new rules." Young rested his arms on the table and Rush looked at him disbelievingly. "Believe it or not but I am actually trying to be a nice guy." Rush looked even more doubtful so Young sighed, eyes downcast and muttered more to himself than to Rush, "I was a nice guy once."

Rush sighed. "In the end we are who we are, Everett, no matter how much we may appear to have changed."

Young looked up and faced Rush who wasn't quite smiling but his eyes were bright and a twinkle danced in their depths, and Young noticed once again how truly beautiful Rush's eyes were. He wanted to tell him so but he knew Rush would never believe him. So instead he sighed and smiled empathetically. "How's your arm?"

The look in Rush's eyes died away and Young wished he hadn't said anything. Rush peeked into the armhole of the brown leather jacket he was wearing and at his bandaged arm. "Still there."

Young chuckled. He couldn't remember the last time he'd heard Rush make a joke or even attempt to do so. "Is it healing okay?"

"Well enough." Rush glanced back at Young and picked up his discarded chess piece. "Was there something specific you wanted, Young?"

Young had noticed how Rush would alternate between calling him Young and Everett depending on what mood he was in. Unfortunately Young could never quite figure out what mood he was in before it changed.

Young shrugged. "I just realised that I don't really know anything about you."

Rush frowned incredulously but then broke out into laugher and crossed his arms protectively, somehow giving off vibes of both openness and a clear message to Young to back off. "What is it you wanted to know? You already know all my secrets, what else is there to tell?"

"I don't know." Young supposed hoping that Rush would just tell him about himself had been too much to ask. "Tell me about your childhood."

"Are you my shrink now?" Rush smirked but Young just shrugged again and Rush rolled his eyes, muttering. "There's nothing to tell."

"You said you grew up poor?" Young prompted. "In Glasgow, if I remember correctly."

"Aye, in Shettleston. My father worked at Fairfield Shipyard down by the River Clyde." Rush glanced at him as if trying to determine whether he was really interested and Young nodded. "No matter how hard he worked there was never enough money and me and my sister Shirley mostly had to look after ourselves."

"You have a sister? Are you still close?" Young couldn't stop himself from interrupting.

"We would have been where she not dead." Rush said coldly and almost void of emotion had it not been for the involuntary twitch of the muscle in his cheek that always appeared when he was fighting some strong emotion.

"I'm sorry." Young was beginning to feel like Rush had had way too much loss in his life for one person to handle. "How did she die?"

Rush glared at him, but the sighed and dragged his hand through his hair before resting his chin on it. "Stop saying you're sorry."

"No." Young leaned over the table and Rush glanced up at him scornfully. "How did she die?"

"Overdose." Rush huffed. "She never was very good at math. Even when her life depended on it."

Young was taken aback by his callous reply. "Do you miss her?"

Rush frowned and looked at him. Young would have expected him to scowl but he just looked thoughtful and a little sad when he dropped his hand onto the table. "I barely knew her. She was a few years older than me and was always working or partying even before she left home. Hard to miss someone I didnae know."

Young nodded. "I have a similar thing going with my brother Larry. I hadn't seen him for years, even before I joined Icarus. Hell, I don't even know if he's still alive."

"How many brothers have you got?" Rush didn't really sound all that interested but Young answered nonetheless. "Two: Michael and Lawrence. When we were kids we were all hanging out together, best of friends, but then we grew apart like most siblings do. Michael owns a car dealership and when last I heard from Larry he had quit his job and taken to the road with some friends of his."

"So is the black sheep of the family you or Lawrence?" Rush smirked.

"The verdict's still out," Young chuckled. "I take it you were the golden boy who got away from it all in yours?"

"Not hardly," Rush scoffed. "But I certainly wasn't the rotten apple either."

"Who was?"

"My father." Rush's expression suddenly turned guarded. "Sure he brought in a little income but so did I and Shirley. Whenever he wasn't working he was a useless drunk and no good to anyone, least of all himself."

Young decided that maybe it was his turn to give away some secrets. "You're not the only one with a useless father. " Rush quirked an eyebrow and Young continued a little uncertainly, talking to his shoes. "He never laid a hand on me or my brothers, only my mum. There never was much we could do to help her."

"Are they still together?" Young looked up and saw that Rush actually looked concerned. "Your father and mother?"

"Yeah. They actually worked out their differences and he hasn't hit her for over ten years." Young tried to smile but it only came of as phoney.

"Just because they told you that doesn't mean it's true." Rush sounded almost angry but his eyes betrayed a sadness that stilled Young's annoyance at the comment.

"_They_ didn't tell me. She did. She's happier now and no longer covered in bruises so…"

"But you still wish she'd leave him?" Rush interrupted. Young shouldn't have been surprised by how perspective Rush was but still he found himself amazed at how quick his mind worked. Rush studied people like he did machines and his calculations were almost always impeccable. He'd always had a way of making Young feel like he didn't know anything.

"Can't hide anything from you, can I?"

Rush gave him a rare smile and said, "Have you finally figured that out?"

Young smiled in return but then frowned and asked, "What about your father? Was he a mean drunk?"

"No, he was okay drunk, worse sober than drunk, but thankfully that didn't happen all too often." Rush smiled but once again his eyes betrayed him. "He was only violent if you got in his way."

"Did you get in his way often?"

"Not as rarely as I would have liked." Rush's reply was clipped and Young felt like he for once understood the other man completely. He reached out his hand again and this time Rush caught it halfway.

Young decided to try the waters. "You've been distant these last few days. What's up?"

"Just had a lot on my mind is all." Rush took Young's hand in both of his and began bending the joints thoughtfully. Young sustained from asking him what the hell he was doing when he concluded that he trusted Rush enough not to think he would try to break his fingers.

"Like what?" Young asked while studying Rush's ministrations which appeared to consume most of his concentration.

"Conflicting emotions." Rush answered after some time while bending Young's index finger. "About you."

"About me?" Young sought his eyes but Rush refused to look up from his work. In a bout of honesty Rush answered with what Young was sure quite a lot of effort. "One part of me is telling me to run away and the other to get closer."

Young brought his other hand up and placed it over Rush's and the latter finally looked at him. "What exactly are you saying?"

Rush looked very uncomfortable for a moment but then blurted out, "Young, do you want to have sex with me?"

Rush froze when he realised what he'd just asked and untangled their hands. Young stared at him and then blinked a few times while Rush stared back at him with the look of someone expecting a death sentence.

"Yes," Young answered shortly.

Rush's expression only changed minutely with Young's answer and Rush looked away almost shamefully. Young reached out his hand and placed it on Rush's cheek. Rush shivered under his touch and Young began to disappointedly pull his hand away when Rush caught it and kept it in place. Young smiled a little uncertainly. "How about you?"

Rush slowly caressed Young's hand with his thumb and looked up. "I don't know what I want." Rush curled his fingers around Young's hand and brought it to his lips, not kissing it, just pressing his lips against Young's fingers. Young tried to ignore the direction his blood was taking and moved a little uncomfortably on his chair but Rush didn't seem to notice.

"All I know is that I don't want to be alone and cold anymore. I want you closer to me. Does that make me pathetic?" Rush smirked but looked away when tears formed in his eyes.

Young gripped his chin gently and turned his head to face him. Rush looked at him uncertainly, his sharp face and even sharper eyes now mingled with doubt and framed by hair that appeared almost black in the half-light. Stars that had burnt out eons ago reflected from the dark window in his nebulous eyes. If the eyes are the windows to the soul then Nick must have more than one, Young thought, unable to tear his eyes away from their unconceivable depth.

"You were always the strong one, Nick."

Rush kissed him then, and Young knew he never wanted to be kissed by another pair lips in his life.

**To be continued **


	14. Behind the Door

**Where I Wished Not To Go**

Chapter XIV: Behind the Door

_How many loved your moments of glad grace,  
and loved your beauty with love false or true,  
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,  
and loved the sorrows of your changing face;_

_-_William Butler Yeats

Rush and Young sat in comfortable silence playing chess and Young was losing spectacularly. They were on their sixth game when Young's radio sounded and he silently thanked the heavens because Rush kept accusing him of not trying and Young was beginning to lose his temper. It was Scott on the radio and he sounded quite exited so Young relaxed from the involuntary terror that always gripped him when the radio crackled.

"Colonel this is Scott, we have success." Young smiled and Rush looked up from the game. "We found some kind of small herring like fish as well as a few big spiny red ones. Not much luck on the flower front, we only found some purple leaves and weeds. Chloe's not gonna be happy."

"She'll make due." Young said, smiling into the radio. "Good work."

"Thank you, sir we…" Scott's reply was cut short by a scream and a long tirade of swearing.

Young's rose from his seat and yelled, "Scott what's going on!" He could hear Scott cures a few more times before laughter sounded through the radio and Young took a deep breath, rubbing his forehead and glanced at Rush who was smirking behind his hand and casting him an amused look.

"Sorry about that, sir." Scott sounded out of breath. "One of the fish bit Eli and he freaked out…" Scott was once again interrupted by Eli yelling in the background, _"I did not freak out!" _

Young chuckled. "Nothing to serious I take it?"

"No, sir… Put it down!" Scott told Young while apparently still talking to someone on the other end. "Sorry sir, I got to go."

"No problem Lieutenant, it sounds like you've got everything well in hand. Young out."

Young turned to Rush who was watching him thoughtfully, as if considering telling him something. But instead he got up from his chair, smiling faintly, "I should get back to work."

"Wait…You don't have to go." Young was suddenly very against the idea of Rush leaving and reached out and grabbed his shoulder but instead of flinching away Rush simply turned and looked at him.

Young pulled him closer and Rush let him with an amused look on his face. Young carefully placed his hands on his waist and to his surprise Rush responded by wrapping his arms around Young's neck and pulling him closer. Rush carded his fingers through Young's hair and kissed him softly. Young would never have associated Rush with softness before being kissed by him. When they kissed Rush was always soft and warm and his lips gave away just as much emotion as his eyes. Young kissed him back with fervour and felt passion rage through him like fire as he held Rush's body close to his. Young sneaked his hands in under Rush's shirt to feel his warm supple skin again. Rush sighed against his lips and Young drunk him down, relishing in every sensation as the heat from Rush's very soul seemed to warm him up from the core.

Air was becoming an issue and Young had to break the kiss but Rush held his head in place and landed one more quick kiss on his lips, like a signature, a secret sign to let Young know who he belonged to. Young knew full well those eyes would never let him go nor did he want them to. Their lips found one another again and Young moved his hands in slow circles over the perfect skin on Rush's lower back. Young felt himself grow hard and reluctantly began pulling away from the embrace, not knowing how Rush would react if he discovered his predicament. Rush seemingly equally reluctantly broke the kiss and looked at him a little annoyed. "What?"

"Nothing…" Young breathed and at the sight of Rush's ruddy lips and slightly flushed cheeks all Young wanted to do was kiss him again and carelessly pulled Rush to him again and recaptured his lips. Rush froze when he felt Young's hardness against his hip and pulled back further without releasing his hold of Young's neck. Young feared for a moment that he might have scared the other man of but then Rush pulled him closer and pressed himself against him. Young took a deep breath when he felt the resulting friction.

"I said I wanted you close, so don't pull away." Rush muttered and Young placed a kiss on his temple. Rush shuddered and rested his head against Young's shoulder and Young felt Rush was half-hard. Young wrapped his arms tighter around him and considered telling him everything was okay, because Rush suddenly felt so very innocent, trembling in his arms and hiding his face away. Instead he threaded his fingers through Rush's soft hair and placed another kiss on his head.

"How did we end up here?" Rush looked up at Young, frowning and an almost peaceful half-smile on his lips. Young smiled and cradled his cheek, feeling something deep and poignant in his heart that he hadn't felt since he was young. "I have no idea, I'm just glad we are."

The door swished open and Chloe walked in. Rush immediately shoved Young away from him, but gave Young the closest thing to an apologetic look he had ever received from Rush. Young tilted his head and couldn't help but smirk at Rush's dishevelled appearance. Rush self-consciously tried to flatten his hair and straighten his clothing before Chloe noticed anything. Judging by the smile on her face he needn't have bothered and Rush soon stopped and crossed his arms protectively and continued to glare at her. Chloe crossed her arms in a mirroring gesture with a knowing expression.

"Was there something you wanted?" Rush spat with enough venom to make her flinch but she quickly recovered. Young wasn't sure if Rush was more angry about being interrupted or about being discovered in such a compromising situation. Young hoped it was the first one. "If not I'm rather busy."

"I could tell." Chloe quirked an eyebrow and Rush scowled at her.

"Chloe, could you please put us out of our misery and just tell us what it is you want?" Young injected and took a step towards Rush when he saw a murderous expression forming on his face.

"Okay…" Chloe sighed, clearly disappointed but also a little relieved when she caught the look in Rush's eye. "Nick, Lisa wants to talk to you." At Rush's confused expression she quickly added, "Lisa as in Dr Park."

Rush's expression cleared and he nodded before looking confused again. "Then why didn't she just call me on the radio?"

Chloe waved her hand dismissively. "I was in the neighbourhood."

Rush glanced at her suspiciously before walking across to Young and leaning in closely he placed a chaste kiss on his lips, but before Young could react he was walking away again. Rush exchanged a knowing look with Chloe before leaving the room. Chloe turned to Young while trying to supress a grin behind pursed lips. "What was that about?" Young asked.

"Oh, nothing." She smiled and waved her hand dismissively again.

Young decided to let the matter drop and moved towards the doorway. Chloe followed him out into the corridor and joined him in the walk to his quarters where a fairly large amount of paperwork he'd been ducking was waiting. While they were walking she told him about the progress they had been making concerning the wedding. Apparently she, Camile and Varro had managed to put together a dress out of the sparse material they had, but there hadn't been enough for a veil. TJ was however sure she could make a nice hair arrangement out of the leaves from the planet for Park.

When they reached Young's quarters she suddenly stopped talking and fastened him with a stare worthy of Rush and moved into his personal space. "You do realise that if you hurt him I'll kill you?"

Young frowned and folded his arms. "That's quite a threat."

She didn't back down and Young had to admit to himself he was impressed by her resolve. "I'm tougher than I look." She narrowed her eyes and said, "You don't hurt him. Do we understand each other?"

"We do. I'm not going to hurt him again; that's the last thing I want to do." Young smiled and she practically deflated.

"Good." She sighed happily and patted his arm in a friendly gesture. "I know he's a difficult person but deep down he's a good man. He saved me twice when he could just have walked away and left me for dead, but he didn't. He's always been braver then people have given him credit for."

"You're right about that." Young muttered while thinking about all the crap that had happened to Rush. Chloe patted him on the arm again before turning and heading down the hallway. "I'll see you at the wedding tomorrow."

xzxxzxxzx

All the tables and chairs had been moved from the mess into the Gateroom along with an assortment of plants from the dome room to give the place a more festive feeling. Rush mostly watched from the sidelines but had leant them his IPod and IPod stand since he was the only one with even remotely appropriate music for the occasion. They had all agreed that Puccini was a better choice than for example Also Sprach Zarathustra which Park had vetoed.

Rush was leaning against the Stargate when Young joined him with a pained expression on his face and looked out over the chaos taking place in front of them. Rush hadn't seen Young since Chloe had interrupted them and worked through most of the night, apart from an unintended forty minute nap over a console. After he'd met up with Park in the dome room his head had been buzzing and he needed to distract himself from her request. He had no idea why she'd asked him.

Young sat down on a table next to him and fiddled absently with his sleeve while watching people running back and forth. "Was your wedding like this?" Young asked, glancing up at Rush.

Rush looked back at him and shrugged noncommittally. "Ours was a small wedding in a church near Middlesbrough. Only me, Gloria and her parents were there. Yours?"

"Emilie wanted the whole nine yards." Young shook his head incredulously. "The perfect church, the perfect flowers and the perfect food. Perfect dress and perfect man. She got everything but the last one." Young finished bitterly and Rush looked back over the crowded Gateroom.

"Park asked me to lead her down the aisle." Rush shot him an incongruous look and Young burst out laughing. "And I take it you have no idea as to why?"

Rush gave him a look that clearly stated that he though Young was a complete tosser and Young couldn't help but laugh again.

"Are you quite done?" Rush snapped and moved somewhat uncomfortably against the gate.

"Yeah sorry." Young gathered himself and looked up at Rush and found him glaring back. "Sorry, man it's just…you really don't know why she asked you?" Young's smile faltered when Rush looked away.

"Nick…" Young stood up and walked over to Rush who scowled at him. Young grasped Rush's hands and said, "She asked you 'cause you saved her life and because you're her mentor. Is that so hard to understand?"

Rush frowned. He had never thought about the fact that he might actually mean something to the people aboard Destiny. He knew Chloe cared and so apparently did Young for whatever reason. He barely knew Park, hadn't even bothered to memorize her first name, much less taken any interest in her. He still didn't. There were far more interesting things on Destiny then people to study. He looked back at Young when the latter squeezed his hands gently.

"Yes…" Rush grasped one of Young's hands in both of his and began bending and massaging the joints again like he had back in the observation room. "Yes, it is."

"More people care about you then you think…" Young was about to continue but was distracted by Rush's ministrations and, even though they felt rather good, had to ask, "What are you doing."

Rush shrugged and let go of his hand. "I like the feeling of bone."

"Is that a euphemism?" Young joked and it was Rush's time to break out laughing. "If you play your cards right."

There was a sound of running feet and a very out of breath Volker stopped next to them and leaned heavily against the gate. "Doctor Rush, Lisa needs you." He blurted out while wiping his forehead on the sleeve of his borrowed white shirt. "She's driving me insane. They all are. TJ, Camile, Chloe, Eli…Varro."

"What do you need me for?" Rush asked feeling rather like he'd made the biggest mistake in his life when agreeing to take any part of this. His fears were realised when Volker answered. "She needs you to do a 'practice walk' with her." At the disgusted look he received from Rush he added, "Yeah, I don't know what that's about either."

Rush sighed and admitted defeat. The sooner all of this was over the better. Since Volker had closed his eyes in exhaustion Rush quickly squeezed Young's hand before turning to walk away. Volker called after him, "Thank you for doing this, Doctor Rush. I know it means a lot to her. You have my eternal gratitude for saying yes and…and for getting her off my back."

"Your eternal gratitude, eh? Just what I always wanted." Rush muttered sarcastically but Volker smiled at him nonetheless. "Oh, and Ronald has promised never to murder you."

"Well, that's something." Rush turned and made his way through the ocean of people and Young thought he caught a smile before he disappeared into the crowd.


	15. Climb

**Where I Wished Not To Go**

Chapter XV: Climb

_And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.  
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.  
Get over your hill and see what you find there.  
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair._

_-_Mumford & Sons

Afternoon had arrived and the Gateroom was crowded and buzzing with excited voices. Everyone had put on their best clothes, which were only slightly less ragged and stained then their other set, and were sitting in the huddled together in the chairs brought from the mess and lined up facing the gate. In the centre of the Stargate stood Camille, smiling out at all of them along with Matthew and Brody who were acting as best men. Next to them stood Greer and Volker, who was swaying slightly and they both looked rather nervous but happy nonetheless. Young sat near the gate next to a beaming Eli feeling out of place. Next to Eli sat Chloe and TJ along with Varro, all looking exited and glancing over their shoulders.

The music of Madam Butterfly was drifting through the room and all voices fell silent when the doors hissed open and everyone turned in their chairs. Park was a vision dressed in the long flowing auburn and red fabric of the sheets and flowers braded in her hair. She was smiling widely and was walking arm in arm with Rush who looked rather uncomfortable. She clung to his arm tightly either to make sure she wasn't dreaming or making sure not to trip. When they reached the gate Rush tapped her hand twice before stopping and with some effort untangling his arm. Before he could get away she gave him a quick hug. He patted her encouragingly on the back before dislodging himself and sat down next to Young looking relieved.

"That went well." Young whispered and Rush nodded while rubbing the back of his neck.

"So far no greater disasters." Rush whispered back. "Only one small panic attack."

Park took Greer's and Volker's hands and beamed at them. Greer kissed her hand before turning to Camille who nodded at them looking equally nervous. She clasped her hands before swallowing and straightening up. She looked over the crowd to make sure everyone was sitting still and had stopped talking before smiling again.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in front of these witnesses to join Lisa Park, Ronald Greer and Dale Volker in matrimony, which is commendable to be honourable among all men; and therefor is not by any to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly. Into this holy estate these three people present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace."

When only silence met her words she continued, "Lisa Park do you take these men, Ronald Greer and Dale Volker to be your husbands and promise to love them, care for them and stay true to them until death do you part?"

"I do." Park smiled if possibly even wider as she grasped both men's hands tighter.

"Do you Dale Volker take this man and this woman, Ronald Greer and Lisa Park and love them, care for them and stay true to them until death do you part?"

"I…I do." Volker stuttered but looked determined and slightly less green.

Camille then turned to Greer quite serene and smiled. "Do you Ronald Greer take this man and this woman, Dale Volker and Lisa Park and love them, care for them and stay true to them until death do you part?"

"I do." Greer wrapped his arm around Park's shoulders.

"Then by the power invested in me as a representative of the spaceship Destiny and the IOA I declare you married. You may kiss each other now."

Cheers, cat calls and applauds erupted when the three kissed and hugged. Everyone clapped and got up from their seats to greet the married trinity. Young suspected this was the first time for many of them since arriving there to feel genuinely happy. That it for once didn't matter where they were, only that they were together. Young watched Matt and Chloe looking at the trinity with glowing eyes and he suspected another wedding was soon in store. TJ and Varro were holding hands and talking to Park while Volker and Greer stood basically wrapped around each other. Even Eli seemed to be chatting up Barnes and Becker was hugging Inman. Young suddenly felt very lonely but then a warm thin hand wrapped itself around his own and looking up he saw the one person he most wanted to see. Rush smiled at him a little solemnly, a smile that reflected the same loneliness and longing that Young felt. He squeezed his hand in thanks and supressed the urge to kiss him.

xzxxzxxzx

Tables and food was carried into the Gateroom and they were engulfed in the smell of roasted fish. A few too many kegs of Brody's hooch were also brought in to Young's dismay. He had forbidden the level of consumption that had occurred the last time to avoid the same result. He had issued a three glass limit to many peoples displeasure. The feast was successful nonetheless and there was a very happy ambience to the place while everyone ate and drank and saluted the happy trinity.

Rush and Young had ended up with Chloe, Matt and Eli again and this time, being sober, Rush didn't say much. Young knew he disliked social gatherings and so did he. Being men of few words meant that neither of them were very good at small talk. But the Brody's hooch, this time strawberry flavoured, served to loosen everybody's tongues, especially Eli's. Young watched Rush's expression turn increasingly colder and detached the longer he prattled on and Young decided to avert the oncoming implosion.

Young nudged Rush who glared at him and said loud enough for only the people in the vicinity to hear, "Nick, I'm loosening the restrictions just for you." Young leaned closer to Rush who lifted an eyebrow. "Please have another drink before you murder Eli. You might not think so but we do need him."

Rush glanced over at Eli who was looking slightly affronted. "Are you sure?"

"As to whether I'm gonna let you have another drink or that I don't want you to murder Eli?" Young smiled and Rush frowned thoughtfully. "Both."

"I was referring to the drink but the night is young, I might still change my mind about the latter."

"Hey!" Eli exclaimed and Chloe patted him sympathetically on the back.

Young chuckled and Rush raised an amused eyebrow before poring them both another drink. The drink was a lot more pleasurable than the last time and that was probably not a good thing amongst these people Young concluded while watching the merry crowd seated at the tables around him. Greer caught him looking his way and made his way over with Park, leaving Volker in deep conversation with Brody. Park sat down on the other side of Rush and Greer next to her. The moment they were seated they wrapped their arms around each other again as if fearful the other person might disappear and Young noticed Greer repeatedly glancing over his shoulder to meet Volker's gaze.

"So, everything's still going well?" Eli asked them, eyes twinkling with apparent mischief. "No trouble in paradise just yet?"

"No everything's perfect." Park purred and cuddled closer to her husband who kissed her on the head. "Do you think Dale's okay over there?" She asked him while grasping his hand tightly.

"Oh, he'll be fine. You know techno babble with Brody is his favourite pastime." Greer answered smiling. Park squeezed his hand again before turning to Rush who looked up from his untouched drink. She made to speak a few times but then shut her mouth resolutely and gathered up her courage before saying, "I just wanted to thank you for everything you've done for me. I don't just mean the wedding, but also that you saved my life on that planet. I never thanked you for that."

"Don't mention it." Rush looked like someone had smacked him over the head with a crowbar and at the same time told him he'd won two-million dollars. His confusion was so apparent that Young couldn't stifle a laugh and grabbing his hand he muttered, "Told you. I was right."

Rush shook his head incredulously before bringing the glass to his lips with his free hand, mumbling something that sounded like, "Once in a blue moon…" He lowered his glass and looked over at Young through his hair and then at their joined hands. A new conversation about water rations was going on around them and no-one was paying them any mind except Eli who kept shooting them suspicious glances until Rush glared at him with a ferocity that clearly stated he should mind his own business if he cared to continue his own existence.

Young slowly moved his thumb over the back of Rush's hand and was surprised that Rush let him. Rush dragged his hand through his hair but kept his eyes on Young. There was a strange look in his dark eyes, one Young had never seen there before but suspected was trust. As if testing his theory he placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and carefully carded his fingers through the soft hair resting there. Rush grabbed his hand and placed a soft kiss on his wrist, never breaking eye contact or taking any heed to the fact that they were not alone. Young felt heat race through him at the simple act and felt his blood head south quick enough to make him dizzy. Rush let go of his hand and Young returned it to the softness of his hair, but it did nothing to lessen his growing hardness as those eyes were still boring holes in him. Those dark eyes filled with never before seen trust and desire to rival his own were going to drive him insane.

"What did you think about the dress?" Chloe asked and it was like the sound came back on and the two of them returned from a secret private place where no-one else lived to find themselves amidst a crowd of people. When Rush looked away and Young felt like he'd lost an arm. But he was once again amazed when Rush didn't pull away but edged slightly closer and Young decided to try the waters and wrapped his arm around his shoulders. Rush stiffened minutely before casting him an amused look and settling into his embrace and turned to face Chloe who was watching them with a scientific expression and a smile lurking behind her lips.

"The dress," she reminded them, "took five hours with our limited supplies but I'm confident it can be reverted back into a sheet-like state again." While she spoke she fiddled with the handle of her untouched liquor and when Rush caught her eye she shook her head minutely while tilting it at Matt. Young couldn't quite make out the subtext but knew it had something to do with whatever she was keeping secret.

"No keep it as it is, at least for a while. You never know when we might need it again." Young said. Chloe blushed slightly and interlaced her fingers with Matt's who looked over at her and smiled a sheepishly. Young pushed his glass away to rid himself of the temptation and resumed carding his fingers through Rush's hair.

As the hour progressed many stories were exchanged and truths were told. Rush and Young sat huddled up together listening without really hearing what was said. At some point they had all moved over to the far wall behind the Stargate to get away from the uncomfortable benches that had been killing Young's back. Camille, Volker, TJ and Varro had joined them along with Brody who had brought more booze. There was a comfortable drowsiness hanging over them as they weren't quite drunk, but rather tipsy and generally content with life, in that rare moment of unfinished tales and sleepy conversations. People were wrapped around each other and those without a partner squeezed in with the other couples. Camille had curled up with TJ and Varro and Eli with Matt and Chloe while Volker, Greer and Park had managed to make some room for Brody. The rest of the room was all but empty except for a few stragglers and people who had fallen asleep over the tables.

Rush's head was heavy on Young's shoulder but he didn't for the life of him want him to move away. Rush's breathing was heavy, half asleep or there about, and Young pulled him into a tighter embrace while caressing his stubbled cheek with his thumb. Rush frowned before opening his eyes and looking at him sleepily.

"What are you doing?" There was not accusation in his voice and Young and continued his caress. "I just wanted to touch you. Is this creeping you out?"

"No…" Rush answered thoughtfully while looking out across the Gateroom.

"Nick, do you trust me?" Young asked breathlessly and Rush's frown deepened before he sighed and uncertainly entwined their fingers. He looked up at Young with a cautious expression and tilted his head in thought before answering. "Probably more then I should."

"That means a lot coming from you." Young placed a kiss on his hand which made Rush chuckle. "We're a very well behaved couple, don't you think?"

"We're a couple?" Young smiled and glanced at his sleeping crew.

Rush blushed faintly. "Shut up."

"Shutting up." Young continued stroking the soft skin just beneath Rush's eye and the latter seemed about ready to fall asleep but picked himself up and blinked furiously.

"You can fall asleep if you want to, I'm not going anywhere." Young whispered against his hair.

Rush sighed, "Bad dreams."

"Oh…" Young wasn't sure if he should dare to ask him to elaborate since that might cause him to leave. "Do you want to tell me about them?"

"There's nothing to…" Rush sighed again and swallowed audibly. "They're about the…event as you may have guessed and of late they've been melding with my dreams about the Nakai."

Young felt a surge of guilt wash over him and it only increased when Rush continued talking. "There's always a desert and something is moving in the distance. He is on top of me and someone is screaming. I'm not sure if it's me or someone else far away, all I know is that the pain is excruciating. Hands and skin is replaced by metal and needles and suddenly there is not only an intrusion into my body but also inside my mind. His voice is always drifting through the scenes and it's almost the worst part. They things he said were clichés but still they have etched themselves into my mind and they still make me sick."

"What did he say?" Young's voice shook and he let out a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding and at the same time harnessed the anger he felt towards Telford. Rush pulled his knees up closer to him protectively but Young suspected it was more a response to the memories than him and his suspicions were confirmed when instead of pulling away Rush put his head back on his shoulder.

"You know, the usual…stuff." Rush answered noncommittally.

"Like what?"

"Things like 'relax and it won't hurt' and whether I was a virg…if I'd ever been with a man before." Rush sounded like he was trying his best to sound casual but his voice kept choking up.

"I'm so sorry Nick." Young knew he would never be able to convey how sorry he felt through those few words but it didn't stop him trying.

"Why do you keep saying that?" Rush blurted out angrily but his voice betrayed his growing desperation and sadness. "Why do you even care?"

"Nick, sometimes it's like you don't realise how much I love you." The moment Young said it he wished he hadn't. Rush stiffened before shooting out of his arms and before Young could even gather himself enough to stand Rush had reached the other side of the room and was pounding the door panel.

"Nick!" Young yelled after him but Rush was already out the door.

**To Be Continued**


End file.
